Best Of Chicago

Horrible Horoscopes: Aries

December 20, 2012 2:00 PM

View Comments

By Mason Johnson

Warning: If you love astrology, are offended easily, or/and have no sense of humor, this might make you gassy (and angry). Not your sign? Find more Horrible Horoscopes here.

(Credit: Vermont Fish and Wildlife)

(Credit: Vermont Fish and Wildlife)


Aries, the stars wrote a poem for you:

You’re an owl!

You’re an owl
gliding amongst your
love named Wind
hunting prey purposed
for your grumbling

Your talons nearly
touch your future
when you’re violently
halted by a Ford
built tough FORD TOUGH
leaving your ego bruised
and your face a
like a sharpie marker


So yeah, there ya go. Hope that illuminates how you should lead the rest of your week, Aries. Watch out for Fords.

Also, your lucky numbers are 4, 8, 9, 21, 20,034, 2, 800, 827, 549, 2 (did I say 2 already?), 1, -28, 429, 4872, and 0.

Mason Johnson knows absolutely nothing about astrology. Mason is not an owl. He is a Ford truck.

View Comments
blog comments powered by Disqus
Daily Weather Reports Delivered To You!SIGN UP NOW: Get daily weather reports every morning from meteorologist Steve Baskerville!
CBS Sports Radio RoundupGet your latest sports talk from across the country.

Listen Live