Horrible Horoscopes: Aries

By Mason Johnson

Warning: If you love astrology, are offended easily, or/and have no sense of humor, this might make you gassy (and angry).

Aries

The stars are lookin' pretty caustic this week, Aries. Some suggestions:

1. Tread lightly.
2. Be understanding.
3. Don't say anything racist.

Seriously. If anything that pops into your mind seems even remotely questionable, ask yourself, "Is this racist?" Keep in mind, the answer to that question 95% of the time is a resounding "yes."

Now, let's say, hypothetically, you want to start a white student union at your college. How about you don't? This is what the Moon would suggest, and the Moon knows what it's talking about.

Ultimately, you can do and say just about anything you want! Freedom of speech HIGH FIVE. But remember, while you're allowed to say racist things, the Moon is allowed to call you a gigantic, worthless jerk-hole.

And the Moon will, Aries. S/He's crazy!

Horrible Horoscopes is updated Monday through Saturday at 12 and 2 pm. Find the latest Horrible Horoscopes here!

Mason Johnson knows zilch about astrology.