By Mason Johnson

Warning: If you love astrology, are offended easily, or/and have no sense of humor, this might make you gassy (and angry).

Hail to the king, baby (Credit: Kevin Winter/Getty Images)

Cancer

There’s been trouble amongst the stars. Venus and Uranus seem to be at odds. It might be time to choose sides, Cancer.

But how? When Gods do battle amongst us mere mortals, how do you choose?

Me? I’m gonna go with Burger King. Unless McDonald’s brings Mayor McCheese and the Hamburgler back (Grimace can stay in hiding), Burger King’s just got the best mascot out there.

Actually, forget that, Wendy of Wendy’s (obviously) will always be my one and only.

Come on, let’s go get a bite to eat, I’m burgin’.

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Mason Johnson knows absolutely nothing about astrology.