Horrible Horoscopes: Cancer

By Mason Johnson

Warning: If you love astrology, are offended easily, or/and have no sense of humor, this might make you gassy (and angry). Not your sign? Find more Horrible Horoscopes here.

Cancer

"Uuuuugh, poor people. Am I right?"

"The idea of poor people coming into OUR neighborhood makes my skin crawl."

"Seriously? Just because they're hungry and need food to survive doesn't mean they need to dirty up OUR corners."

"What will this do to the value of my overpriced condo?"

"We totally need to talk about this the next time we're shopping for kombucha at Whole Foods."

Where'd all these quotes come from? The Moon wrote them. Apparently they're the kinds of thoughts snobby, evil people have. S/He suggests you avoid these kinds of thoughts, particularly the one about kombucha (whatever that is).

Do this, and your future just might be a decent one.

Horrible Horoscopes is updated Monday through Saturday. Find the latest Horrible Horoscopes here!

Mason Johnson knows absolutely nothing about astrology.