Horrible Horoscopes: Cancer

By Mason Johnson

Warning: If you love astrology, are offended easily, or/and have no sense of humor, this might make you gassy (and angry). Not your sign? Find more Horrible Horoscopes here.

Cancer

RUN!

Romance is coming. It's got its sights on you, Cancer.

We're not talkin' about a crush here. We're talking about love. Crushing love. You've got love in your future, and that is horrible.

Let's face it, you're too young to settle. This love, this extreme love, will do nothing but crush you under its weight. You know those old cartoons where an anvil falls on a coyote? It's like that, but you're not the Coyote, you're not even the anvil, you're like an ant underneath the coyote's foot.

Let's say you run towards love with arms wide open, Cancer – what can you expect? No more long nights out with the boys/girls. No more (politely and respectfully) chattin' up any hottie you happen to see. No more trying to bribe foreign officials in an effort to manipulate trade laws. No more selling your reproductive organs on the black market.

No more fun.

So go ahead, fall in love if you want.

But say goodbye to the good, ol' days in the process.

Horrible Horoscopes is updated Monday through Friday. Find the latest Horrible Horoscopes here!

Mason Johnson knows absolutely nothing about astrology, but at least he's got great hair.