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Horrible Horoscopes: Cancer

January 9, 2013 2:00 PM

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Wouldn't kill for a McRib, but I'd definitely rob a fast food restaurant for one... (Credit: David Paul Morris/Getty Images)

Wouldn’t kill for a McRib, but I’d definitely rob a fast food restaurant for one… (Credit: David Paul Morris/Getty Images)

By Mason Johnson

Warning: If you love astrology, are offended easily, or/and have no sense of humor, this might make you gassy (and angry). Not your sign? Find more Horrible Horoscopes here.

Wouldn't kill for a McRib, but I'd definitely rob a fast food restaurant for one... (Credit: David Paul Morris/Getty Images)

Wouldn’t kill for a McRib, but I’d definitely rob a fast food restaurant for one… (Credit: David Paul Morris/Getty Images)

Cancer

Cancer, it’s a simple rule, the most important rule of all in your line of work: Never return to the scene of the crime.

There’s no wiggle room there.

And yet, you returned to the McDonald’s you robbed.

The stars get it. So does the Moon. They understand the draw of the McRib! The savory BBQ sauce, the plastic-like meat, the clenching stomach pains that come after eating it, the hour you spend on the toilet the next day – WHAT’S NOT TO LOVE?

But that doesn’t mean you should return to the scene of the crime. In fact, in the future, after you’re out of jail, you should apply this rule to your life. All of it. Think of this McRib incident as a metaphor or something. Okay? The stars say never return to the scene of the crime. Got it? Good. Have fun in prison.

Read more Horrible Horoscopes. Find the latest Horrible Horoscopes here!

Mason Johnson knows absolutely nothing about astrology and can eat more McRibs than you can.

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