Horrible Horoscopes: Cancer

September 18, 2012 2:00 PM

By Mason Johnson

Warning: If you love astrology, are offended easily, or/and have no sense of humor, this might make you gassy (and angry).

john cusack say anything1 Horrible Horoscopes: Cancer

John, you’re supposed to sing yourself when you serenade someone, bro. (Credit: 20th Century Fox / Gracie Films)


Love has no boundaries, but you should obey that restraining order your ex put on you.

Serenading is romantic, but sitting in a tree and silently staring into someone’s bedroom doesn’t count.

“But if I sang, they’d know I was there!”

Yeah, that’s kind of the point, Cancer. You’re supposed to sing. If you don’t like singing, I’m sure there are alternatives. I mean, have you even seen that crappy John Cusack movie with the boombox? He circumvented his horrible singing voice by bringing a boombox, which seems really lazy to me, but it’s certainly less creepy than anything you’ve ever done.

So, if you tone it down a bit, the stars think your love life might improve.

Horrible Horoscopes is updated Monday through Saturday at 12 and 2 pm. Find the latest Horrible Horoscopes here!

Mason Johnson know nothing about John Cusack and has a crush on astrology. Wait, that was supposed to be the other way around.

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