Horrible Horoscopes: Capricorn

By Mason Johnson

Warning: If you love astrology, are offended easily, or/and have no sense of humor, this might make you gassy (and angry). Not your sign? Find more Horrible Horoscopes here.

Capricorn

Listen Applebee's (you're a Capricorn, right?):

We got bigger things to worry about than a woman breastfeeding her kid in your restaurant.

Look to the right, for example. That's a dog breastfeeding a monkey. A monkey! Does that even make sense to you?

While a mother breastfeeding her kid in a public restaurant may seem a bit uncouth to the prudish out there, at least she was breastfeeding a child from her own species.

I mean, seriously, I highly doubt that monkey is that dog's child.

Now I have no problems with adoption, it's just that… I mean… this is blowin' my mind, man.

Anyway, your horoscope: Chill out and relax. Everyone's gotta eat.

Horrible Horoscopes is updated Monday through Saturday at 12 and 2 pm. Find the latest Horrible Horoscopes here!

Mason Johnson knows absolutely nothing about astrology, and is heartbroken. Literally.