By Mason Johnson

Warning: If you love astrology, are offended easily, or/and have no sense of humor, this might make you gassy (and angry). Not your sign? Find more Horrible Horoscopes here.

ADHER I’M JASON STATHAM (Credit: Jason Merritt/Getty Images)

Capricorn

You, Capricorn, are majestically beautiful — like a frozen bean burrito microwaved to perfection.

Your farts are potent and your future limitless. With your innate talents, you could be anything:

Ninja
President of the Official Scorpions Fan Club
Karaoke DJ at weddings
Chicago Bears Head Coach
Internet poet
Competitive Eating Champion
Whatever it is Jason Statham does in The Transporter franchise
Jetpack operator

And many other jobs not nearly as cool as those.

Here’s to the rest of 2013 (and your life). Don’t screw it up.

Mason Johnson would like to congratulate Lindsay Hunter and Ben Lyon on creating a pooping machine that will inevitably ruin his brunch one day by crying non-stop in some previously hip Chicago restaurant (if it were still hip, parents wouldn’t be bringing their babies there).