By Mason Johnson
Warning: If you love astrology, are offended easily, or/and have no sense of humor, this might make you gassy (and angry). Not your sign? Find more Horrible Horoscopes here.
You keep stealing puppies! I don’t get it. Is it the adrenaline rush? Are you addicted? To what? Stealing? Puppies? Both?
The stars are furious with you. I don’t even want to tell you how mad the Moon is.
Do you know what kind of future you’re in for if you keep stealing puppies? A grim one. A grim, sad future.
And I know what you’re thinking: “How can my future be so sad and grim when I’m surrounded by puppies, the happiest creatures on Earth?”
Those are ill gotten puppies, Gemini. They might play with you now, but there will come a day—the stars can see it clearly in your future—where your face gets bitten off, dragged outside and buried in the back yard with a milk bone.
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Mason Johnson knows absolutely nothing about astrology.