By Mason Johnson
Warning: If you love astrology, are offended easily, or/and have no sense of humor, this might make you gassy (and angry). Not your sign? Find more Horrible Horoscopes here.
Sometimes, if you want things to work out, you gotta settle for someone who ain’t Ryan Gosling. Sometimes, you gotta settle for someone who isn’t even Michael Keaton.
Look, it’s not you, it’s real life. I’m proof of this. Despite the fact that I have a perfect physique, superior intelligence and great hair, I’ll never kiss Rachel McAdams as we embrace on a beach. And even if I did, it wouldn’t be love ever after. It wouldn’t last.
If you want success in your love life, give up eighty percent of your standards. Find a loser and give that person some slack. On the upside, if you’re dating some dweeb, you can really let yourself go.
Horrible Horoscopes is updated Monday through Saturday. Find the latest Horrible Horoscopes here!
Mason Johnson knows absolutely nothing about astrology.