By Mason Johnson
Warning: If you love astrology, are offended easily, or/and have no sense of humor, this might make you gassy (and angry). Not your sign? Find more Horrible Horoscopes here.
Leo, look ahead of you! You’ll see your life. It’ll be glowing and beautiful and present. Very present. In fact, it will look like a present. Wrapped in the funnies section of the newspaper.
Isn’t life great?!
Don’t answer that. That was rhetorical. Be quiet. Just be quiet for a second, won’t you?
Anyway, If you don’t look ahead of yourself, that aforementioned present is going to be filled with DOOM. If, instead, you decide to look down at your iPhone so you can read a super urgent text from a friend that reads, “lol I farted on a cat,” then, well, your life will disappear.
Your life will be crushed not only by the metaphorical dump truck bearing down the road, but the literal dump truck bearing down the road.
And the thing is, if you die because you were too busy texting, it’ll be your family who’s gotta deal with the grief. They’ll be the ones who have to explain that their son/daughter died because they were too lazy to look up from their phone as they read a text about farts and cats.
So, you know. Watch yourself.
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Mason Johnson knows absolutely nothing about astrology and never ever texts, so quit your whining, Joe.