By Mason Johnson
Warning: If you love astrology, are offended easily, or/and have no sense of humor, this might make you gassy (and angry). Not your sign? Find more Horrible Horoscopes here.
Libra… Don’t take this the wrong way, but sometimes you overreact.
Before you bash my face in, let your life flash before your angry, angry eyes and see yourself…
… Punching your father in the family jewels after he “stole your nose” when you were four.
… Tackling a hostess attempting to check your coat.
… Flipping the Monopoly board for the 87th time. (We won’t even talk about the atrocities you committed during a friendly game of Diplomacy.)
… Throwing a rock through your neighbor’s window after he made fun of your “Bob Dole. A Better Man. For a Better America.” lawn sign.
… Mailing rotten fish to ABC for cancelling Cougar Town. (Thanks, TBS!)
And, you know, all the other horrible things you’ve done.
See all of this and honestly tell me you’re not a bit too intense.
Tone it down, Libra. Tone it down.
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Mason Johnson knows absolutely nothing about astrology!