DON’T TRUST HER, PISCES! (Credit: Jason Merritt/Getty Images)

By Mason Johnson

Warning: If you love astrology, are offended easily, or/and have no sense of humor, this might make you gassy (and angry).

Pisces

You still read this junk, Pisces? Wow.

Let’s be honest, these horoscopes ain’t exactly worked out so far, have they?

Remember when the alignment of Venus and Uranus meant you were supposed to have good fortune in your professional life? How’d that work out for ya?

Badly. You got fired from a job you hated, then couldn’t even become a stockboy, despite the fact that you’re a man (supposedly), as Toys “R” Us.

And what happened when the stars told you to expect your romantic relationships to heat up?

You contracted an infection (that may or may not be appropriate to mention on CBS) from your wife who originally picked up said infection from a bro in a backwards cap at a Wrigleyville bar.

Maybe it’s time to give up astrology and just live your life?

Horrible Horoscopes is updated Monday through Saturday at 12 and 2 pm. Find the latest Horrible Horoscopes here!

Mason Johnson knows absolutely nothing about astrology.