Horrible Horoscopes: Taurus

By Mason Johnson

Warning: If you love astrology, are offended easily, or/and have no sense of humor, this might make you gassy (and angry). Not your sign? Find more Horrible Horoscopes here.

Taurus

Taurus, your nurturing nature is one of your strongest strengths you strongly possess in a strengthy way.

But like many strong strengths, it can be a double-edged sword. A double-edged sword that--instead of cutting your enemies down while you're surrounded by lotus petals--somehow cuts you, Taurus. Maybe on your pinky, or ring finger. Maybe it won't cut a finger at all, maybe it'll cut something else entirely. Regardless, your sword, which is meant to help you, will actually hurt you.

Okay, fine, I never really "got" this sword metaphor. Swords are awesome, that's all I know.

And, as far as nurturing individuals go, you're like a sword, cause you're awesome.

But you're also creepy, Taurus. Very creepy.

So pick up your sword, and cut it out, Taurus.

The creepiness. Cut the creepiness out.

Mason Johnson knows absolutely nothing about astrology. Would you like to see his sword collection? Follow his extremely inappropriate and unintelligent twitter here.