Horrible Horoscopes: Virgo

September 26, 2012 12:00 PM

That’s right, Katie… Bite him. (Credit: Vince Bucci/Getty Images)

By Mason Johnson

Warning: If you love astrology, are offended easily, or/and have no sense of humor, this might make you gassy (and angry). Not your sign? Find more Horrible Horoscopes here.

53029055 Horrible Horoscopes: Virgo

That’s right, Katie… Bite him. (Credit: Vince Bucci/Getty Images)


Virgo, it’s that time of the year again. When the stars and planets come together and, in unison, scream: REVENGE.

Specifically, on your ex.

Or even your current partner, if they’ve done something jerky recently.

You don’t want to go to jail for revenge though, so let’s leave physical violence off the table. Physical violence isn’t cool, even if your girlfriend cheated on you with your sixty-five-year-old band teacher.

Revenge ideas that aren’t violent:

Post something on your ex’s facebook wall. My suggestion? “You need to get tested.”

Teach a parrot to swear at your ex and their new girl/boyfriend. This is cool, cause it makes you feel like a pirate, and pirates are awesome.

“Accidentally” run into them at a store, then fill their pockets or purse with those plastic things that set off alarms when they’re not paying attention.

Steal their cat. Sergeant Cattington Esquire likes you better anyways.

Steal their dog. When it chews up your couch, sell it on craigslist. (Note: if you and your ex share a child, don’t try to sell it on craigslist.)

Make a false OKCupid account for them. Be as honest as possible. Don’t list their address though, that’d be mean. Definitely list their workplace.

That list should be a good start. If you come up with any ideas of your own, lemme know!

Horrible Horoscopes is updated Monday through Saturday at 12 and 2 pm. Find the latest Horrible Horoscopes here!

Mason Johnson knows absolutely nothing about astrology. Please don’t try any of the things he’s suggested above. They were just jokes.

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