By Mason Johnson
Warning: If you love astrology, are offended easily, or/and have no sense of humor, this might make you gassy (and angry). Not your sign? Find more Horrible Horoscopes here.
Move out of the way, Keanu Reeves and Bill Murray! This horoscope is for the most important Virgo of all: Colonel Sanders.
Virgo (can I call you Virgo?), the days of standing by your original recipe are behind you. And crispy? Forgettaboutit. Live your life like you’re a bucket full of spicy goodness.
BUT! As spicy as your life gets, you should stay guarded. The stars want you to let loose and enjoy life, but not at the cost of your 11 secret herbs and spices.
Tell no one.
Especially fellow Virgo Cameron Diaz – she can’t keep a secret at all. No, seriously, I invited her to this sweet party I threw at my ‘rent’s house and she totally ratted me out. Not to my parents, but the police, who were NOT happy about my pirated copies of The Lake House. Long story short, Lucy Liu, Barrymore and I had to hightail it out the back to get away from Johnny Law. This is why there hasn’t been another Charlie’s Angels, Drew and Lucy are still angry at Cameron.
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Mason Johnson knows absolutely nothing about astrology.