(credit: EVA HAMBACH/AFP/Getty Images)

By Mason Johnson

Aries

Being materialistic is unbearable. To lead a happy life, you might want to avoid the mall at all costs. Or at least make sure you utilize your right to bear arms.

Taurus

Taurus, some advice: why settle for New York State Senate when you could run for, say, the President of the United States of America?

Gemini

First, you will try to get off on the wrong side of the bed. Unfortunately, this will lead you to smash into the wall your bed is against. Our suggestion: don’t get up today. I mean, really, why bother?

Cancer

You don’t need to tweet to live a full life. The sun, the earth, fresh air! I mean, what can you really convey in 140 characters? Nothing me

Vote for Mindy Meyer! (credit: mindymeyer4senate.com)

Leo

Switch things up today, Leo! Instead of sitting at home in the comfortable protection of your air conditioning, go somewhere else and sit in their comfortable air conditioning. (But only if you have a car with air conditioning, we wouldn’t want you to actually have to stand the heat.)

Virgo

The alignment of the Moon and Venus indicate that you have a hankering for chicken wings. Maybe it’s time to take a trip to Atlanta?

Libra

Libra, don’t doubt yourself, there is a venue where even you can show off your useless skills! It is called the Olympics.

Poor Snooki… must be hard to love the Mets (credit: Rob Kim/Getty Images)

Scorpio

Scorpio, you get more bees with honey. Not sure what category kissing falls under, but you might want to try and fight the world’s injustices with them. Who knows, maybe it’ll make the world a better place.

Sagittarius

Snooki, darling, my beautiful, pregnant Sagittarius. If you wake up today and feel the need to go to a Mets game, or any baseball game, or anywhere at all, stay in bed instead. It’s better for all involved.

Capricorn

Capricorn, the dating world is hard, especially in these modern times of the internet. I mean, come on, dating websites? You can do better than that! Date the old fashioned way: on television.

Aquarius

Pisces

Why settle for an epitaph, when you can have your whole Myspace account on your tombstone? The future is wonderful.

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