By Mason Johnson

Warning: If you love astrology, are offended easily, or/and have no sense of humor, this might make you gassy (and angry). Not your sign? Find more Horrible Horoscopes here.

Even when Miley smiles at Liam, she seems critical… sigh. (Credit: Frazer Harrison/Getty Images for PCA)

Sagittarius & Capricorn

If you’re going to last, Sagittarius and Capricorn, you’ll need to realize that size isn’t everything.

Capricorn, the stars get it, sometimes you feel like you’re comin’ up a few inches short. It’s natural. You shouldn’t let these fears bother you, particularly when you’re in a relationship with Sagittarius, who will seize any inadequacy festering inside your psyche and use it to bludgeon your soul to a shapeless, disgusting pulp. Imagine bad mayonaise resting sluggishly in a jar. That will be your soul, Capricorn.

Sagittarius, size really doesn’t matter. It’s the experience that’s important. So stop being a judgmental jerk (+2 points for alliteration!) and get over the shortcomings in front of you.

And next time you’re at Subway, try not to get into a fight. It just doesn’t look good.

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Mason Johnson knows absolutely nothing about astrology.