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Poem The News: Chivalry Is Dead

January 18, 2013 2:00 PM

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I'd let Channing Tatum handcuff me. I'd even let Jonah Whats-his-face handcuff me. (Credit: Michael Buckner/Getty Images for SXSW)

I’d let Channing Tatum handcuff me. I’d even let Jonah Whats-his-face handcuff me. (Credit: Michael Buckner/Getty Images for SXSW)

By Mason Johnson

To stave of that I-want-to-drive-off-a-cliff boredom that ensnares us all before the weekend, I decided to ask readers to submit poems based off some of our news stories. Here are those poems.

Find out how to submit poems you’ve written at the end of this article. Read more “Poem the News” poems here.

I'd let Channing Tatum handcuff me. I'd even let Jonah Whats-his-face handcuff me. (Credit: Michael Buckner/Getty Images for SXSW)

Would totally let Channing Tatum handcuff me. I’d even let Jonah Whats-his-face handcuff me. (Credit: Michael Buckner/Getty Images for SXSW)

If you love someone, set them free. If they don’t come back, chase after them and handcuff them to you.

This week, readers wrote poems about “Man Gets 10-Year Sentence For Handcuffing Himself To Female Taco Bell Co-Worker In Hope Of Getting A Date.” Some of the submitted poems are below. My comments are italicized.

Let There Be Poems

Everything I Learned From Romantic Comedies Was Incredibly Wrong and In Fact Dangerous by Neal Kitterlin

My parents said life rewards persistence
but they lied. I ordered the cuffs specially
for her and offered to help her stuff soft shells
with grade D meats. I was on fire for her –
she said it wasn’t her it was the sauce
but I was pretty sure it was her. Or the crippling
indigestion, the way my fist felt on the face
of that creepy drive-through customer
who hit on her. After enough late shifts
there are things that just won’t wash
out of your clothes, and her smile was one of them,
the soft scent of her hand lotion cutting through
the sour cream. Hundreds of PG-13 movies told me
I could win her but they lied. Lloyd Dobler lied.

This would have totally worked if I were Channing Tatum.

A+ YEAH! Pop culture references are the way to my heart ;)

Jess Dutschmann
(You might want to read this one to the tune of…)

Chained at the Pizza Hut (Nah.)
Chained at the Taco Bell (What?)
Ten years for cuffing you all up inside the Taco Bell.

Chained at the Pizza Hut (Nah.)
Chained at the Taco Bell (What?)
Here’s a file photo of a Taco Bell.

Chained at the Pizza Hut (Nah.)
Chained at the Taco Bell (What?)
Ten years for creeping at the Taco Bell.

Chained at the Pizza Hut (Nah.)
Chained at the Taco Bell (What?)
So long for cuffing you all up inside the Taco Bell.

Wait a minute… I’ve got that lady smell
That shady smell
I’ve got a lot of smells
I probs should go to Hell

I’m at that Taco Bell(Okay?)
I’ve got that lady, well(Uh)
She’s gonna go with me (No)
I’m at the Taco Bell, ah… (Nah-ah)

Megacreeping at the Taco Bell! (Taco Bell!)
Hella cutty at the Taco Bell! (Taco Bell!)

A- Real original! I’m getting hungry.

You’re my Baby Bell by Beach Sloth

I thought outside
How to get it done
Bordering on madness
Too many handcuffs
For you and for me
You smelled beautiful
Fast-food
Fast-love
Fast-arrest

A+ YOU’RE FURIOUS 2 FAST 2 FURIOUS I LIKE IT.

Submission Guidelines

Well. That was… admirable.

Please submit more.

For next week, we’re selling out and going Hollywood. Write a poem about one of the two following articles:

Did Justin Bieber Really Beat Up His Bodyguard?

‘Top Gun’ In IMAX 3D Coming This February

Email poems based on one of the two above news articles to mason.johnson@CBSRadio.com with a subject line that reads “Poem the News.” I’ll pick 3 out of the batch to post. Email them no later than Friday, January 25th 9am CST. Realize that the only payment is the fame that comes with being published by the prestigious poetry organization that is CBS.

Mason Johnson, CBS Chicago

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