Best Of Chicago

Poem The News: Jesus At The Bar & Hot Coffee In The Face

March 15, 2013 2:00 PM

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By Mason Johnson

Fridays are boring. Here are some reader-submitted poems based on CBS news articles. You’re welcome. Find out how to submit your own poems here. Read more “Poem the News” poems here.

Alright everyone, go home, there were no Justin Bieber poems submitted this week.

That was a joke. Don’t go home. Stay wherever you are and read the rest of this article, then go home, then read this article again.

Do you ever wonder what it’s like to be a star reflecting off the still water of a lake?

No, me neither. Seems like a pretty stupid thought, to be honest.

Below are poems. Four of them. They are very good poems. A bit weird, I’ll admit that, but find me some poetry that isn’t weird, DAD. (Every time I mention my dad in an article the pageviews skyrocket. He is a very popular dad. He wears crocs and makes a grunting sound when getting up from the couch that I will probably make one day when I am dad.) Below each poem are my comments. You know they’re my comments because they’re italicized.

Oh yeah, next week will probably be the last Poem the News. Why? Because I said so. Don’t hold me to it though, I’m a whimsical being and could change my mind/bring it back.

Lastly, thanks, Meghan Rock, for the image to the right!

(Credit: Meghan Rock / octopodadventures.com)

(Credit: Meghan Rock / octopodadventures.com)

Let There Be Poems!

go run on dunkin by Alexandra Naughton
Dunkin’ Donuts Worker Stops Robbery By Splashing Suspect With Hot Coffee

run and tell that
dunkin don’t take crap
from deez triflin azz robbers
cold blooded like lobsters

if you commin at me
yr gonna feel like Al Green
hot grits in the face
xcept its coffee in its place

hot grits in the face
xcept its coffee in its place

so run and tell that
run and tell that
time to make the donuts
dunkin don’t take no crap

run on dunkin, bro
run on dunkin, bro
don’t be messin with west haven
cuz you know how that can go

A+ — RAP IS NOT ART AND EVERYONE KNOWS THAT, ALEXANDRA. Kids these days.

A Few Things You Should Know About Coffee Before Someone Throws It At You by Liz Baudler

Coffee stains don’t come out.
Only a few liquids form rings when they dry,
set it down and everyone knows what you’ve drunk,
trail of evidence on your resume. Buy, don’t steal,
Your coffee. Spill, don’t splash, your coffee. Spill it
gracefully, like you meant it, and everyone will assume you did.

Make it your coffee. Sugar and cream the shit out of it.
Coffee can take it. It’s strong. It punches you in the face
first thing in the morning. You want to be punched in the face first thing in the morning. Or evening, when the coffee goes stale,
and drinking stale coffee tells you that you too are going stale,
and that you should find something to do that keeps you up without having to gulp an evening’s worth of stale coffee.

Some days would be so much better if the first thing you did
when you woke up was handcuff yourself to the pot.

A+ — More of a tea man myself.

YOU'VE HAD ENOUGH, BABY JESUS. I'm cutting you off. (Credit: Ian Gavan/Getty Images)

YOU’VE HAD ENOUGH TO DRINK, BABY JESUS. I’m cutting you off. (Credit: Ian Gavan/Getty Images)

CHURCH BAR by Cynthia Newcastle
Drink Up: Texas Church To Hold Services In Bar

Jesus serves beer in heaven.
IDK, its something Jesus might do
we’ve been told it’s all a lie -
ok; how does Jesus feel?
what would jesus drink?
who could say no to beer w Jesus?
He died for yr sins & you won’t even pick up the tab

A+ — If Jesus can turn water to wine and humans are mostly water can he instantly kill someone by turning all the water in a person’s body to wine? That’d be such an insane super power. This kinda stuff is pretty much all I think about ever.

Poem by Grant Maierhofer
4-Year-Old Lands On Feet After Falling From 3rd Story Window

There are idiots, and there are idiots
and the children of the latter
go flailing like candies at parades
from their windows, into empty space
and only weeks later will it dawn on them
the danger of this situation, and the prospect of blame
being entirely their own…

‘which it did’ these people might be heard to say
re said dawning of realization/blame
and you will be reminded of the opener to antichrist
and you will realize the two moments
fiction and not
should’ve happened only a few hundred miles from
one another
and for a second thinking of this woman as
charlotte gainsbourg
makes the whole thing impossible and you pick up your phone
to sort of double-check
and already you’ve lost interest in the whole thing
idiots and the lot
these people say something like
‘I didn’t know what to expect
a toddler, normal, alive, whatever’
‘or a toddler with blood coming out of him’

and you think about how much blood a toddler might really have
four years old
not too tall
not much to account for
thoughts probably more interesting than his relatives
and you’re so cynical
so oh so cynical
that the only thing you can do to shut your incessant mind off
is think of Dylan saying
really, really far
really, really far
and this makes it better for a moment

he landed on his feet
I couldn’t have done that

A+ — Not to show off, but I bet I could beat up a 4-year-old. Even this tough little devil.

That was a good batch! These poems make me want to be a better human being.

Too bad next week is the last Poem the News. I’ve had a lot of fun putting these together, but various reasons and things and whozits are making me think that it might be time to end them (hopefully on a high note.)

Do not fear, dear reader! Poetry will always be with you, for your ally is poetry, and a powerful ally it is. Life creates it, makes it grow. Its energy surrounds us and binds us. Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter. You must feel poetry around you; here, between you, me, the tree, the rock, everywhere, yes.

Submit to Poem the News next week. Do it because if you don’t you may one day regret it. Submit anything you want. Something fun, something serious, who cares as long as you had fun writing it. Remember, no poem is too stupid.

In fact, stupid is preferred.

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