Best Of Chicago

Poem The News: Justin Bieber’s Birthday Cookie Cake Of Doom

March 8, 2013 2:00 PM

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(Credit Pope Photo: Franco Origlia/Getty Images) (Alterations/Dog Credit: Mason Johnson/Winnie/Abby Sheaffer)

(Credit Pope Photo: Franco Origlia/Getty Images) (Alterations/Dog Credit: Mason Johnson/Winnie/Abby Sheaffer)

By Mason Johnson

Fridays are boring. Here are some reader-submitted poems based on CBS news articles. You’re welcome. Find out how to submit your own poems here. Read more “Poem the News” poems here.

Justin Bieber’s birthday… The Pope resigning… Is there a connection here?

Obviously. I just can’t seem to figure it out. I will tell you this though: if Bieber steps down as the King of Pop Jr. anytime soon, there will be no conclave or voting.

I will take his place.

So there’s a bunch of great poems today. They are below. As they inspire you, consider submitting your own for next week. I left comments under each poem in italics. Not because these poems need feedback, mind you, but because I like the sound of my own voice. Who doesn’t? Like the sound of my voice, that is…

GOOD DOG! All dogs go to heaven :) (Credit Pope Photo: Franco Origlia/Getty Images) (Alterations/Dog Credit: Mason Johnson/Winnie/Abby Sheaffer)

GOOD DOG! All dogs go to heaven :) (Credit Pope Photo: Franco Origlia/Getty Images) (Alterations/Dog Credit: Mason Johnson/Winnie/Abby Sheaffer)

Let There Be Poems!

Goodbye, Pope by Abby Sheaffer
Cardinals Schedule Papal Conclave To Begin Tuesday

Your eyes always scared me
I won’t lie

They were darkly shadowed
And the color

Sickly green,
Like envy

Was it true?
Were you a Nazi child?

I suppose
It wasn’t your choice

Still,
I’d hate to meet you

You like scarlet shoes
And pointy hats

I like my slippers
And my Ewok shirt

We will not ever meet
I don’t like your ideas

Goodbye, Pope
I hope you get a dog

Dogs make people
More understanding

A+ — DOG/GOD, what are you trying to tell us, Abby? You can’t play your Da Vinci Code tricks with me! I’m onto you.

Smack me in the face with it JUST DO IT! (Credit: Alexandra Beier/Getty Images)

Smack me in the face with it JUST DO IT! (Credit: Alexandra Beier/Getty Images)

Poem by Jeannette Gomes
La. Man Accused Of Attacking 77-Year-Old Dad With Cookie Cake

I could see it
in his eyes
he still wishes
that I were little

he still tries every
year to give me it
though I crawl
deeper into my
hole

that sweet
youthful feeling

how dare he
love me
I am crystalized
tar

I didn’t know
how to better say it
than by beating
him with it

A+ — This poem wasn’t creepy at all! That was sarcasm. That was definitely creepy. I would elaborate, but I can’t quite bring myself to do it.

Can't think of a caption funnier/weirder than the photo itself... (Credit: MARTIN BERNETTI/AFP/Getty Images)

Can’t think of a caption funnier/weirder than the photo itself… (Credit: MARTIN BERNETTI/AFP/Getty Images)

That joke isn’t funny anymore by Cassandra Gillig
Morrissey ‘Disappointed’ With Jimmy Kimmel’s ‘Duck Dynasty’ Parody

Stop me if you think you’ve heard this one before:
Barbarism begins at home. Last night
I dreamt that somebody loved me (this
charming man!). Never had no one ever.

Girlfriend in a coma; Jeane asleep, half a person.
Still ill. I want the one I can’t have. The boy with a thorn in his side.
These things take time; you just haven’t earned it yet, baby.
What she said: “Stretch out and wait.”

Please, please, please let me get what I want.
I won’t share you. Golden lights oscillate wildly,
paint a vulgar picture: nowhere fast. There is
a light that never goes out.

Well I wonder what difference does it make?
I started something I couldn’t finish. Heaven
knows I’m miserable now. (How soon is now?)
Girl afraid I know it’s over.

Unloveable panic, miserable lie!
This night has opened up my eyes!
I keep mine hidden, is it really so strange?
What’s the world? Ask. I don’t owe you anything.

A+ — Yeah, whatever, Cassandra. You only like Morrissey’s hits.

Runner Uppers

The runners ups. Not as good as the poems before it, but still pretty darn great.

JUSTIN, YOU KEEP THAT SHIRT ON OR I SWEAR TO DOG YOU ARE GROUNDED. (Credit: Theo Wargo/Getty Images for Jingle Ball 2012)

JUSTIN, YOU KEEP THAT SHIRT ON OR I SWEAR TO DOG YOU ARE GROUNDED. (Credit: Theo Wargo/Getty Images for Jingle Ball 2012)

WHAT WOULD JB DO by Wyatt Sparks
(or only my second Bieber poem/how did I live without them)
Justin Bieber Embraces Faith, Endorses New Religious Book

oh my god
rainbow diamond radiance
in the sky in the sky
is it a beating heart or gulls or harriers
no,
it’s a baby boy
my son my son
pulling up the shirt
and letting the spirit out
among the eight y/o’s
listen to the minister
mr smith minister
no mom
he has melted
he is puddles
call him puddles
because sometimes
holiness takes the place of a fire

B+ — The best part about this poem is that I don’t know what the heck is going on in it.

Disappointment by Beach Sloth
Morrissey ‘Disappointed’ With Jimmy Kimmel’s ‘Duck Dynasty’ Parody

Children experience disappointment all the time:
Santa Claus isn’t real
The Tooth Fairy isn’t real
The Easter Bunny isn’t real
However the average child is smarter than Morrissey
Despite Morrissey’s enlightened views on depression, obesity, and gun control
Morrissey had one fatal flaw:
Morrissey thought Jimmy Kimmel was funny
The revelation of a very truly unfunny Jimmy Kimmel disappointed Morrissey
Even children know better than to laugh at Jimmy Kimmel, to encourage that, whatever that is
And children believe in chocolate dispensing bunnies

B- — Morrissey? More like… MORRISORRY YOU’RE SO LAME amirite? I’m sorry I love you.

And that IS That. A good collection of poetry for a good collection of readers. Can we be honest though — what the heck is with Bieber’s shirt? Is his upper body so smooth and slippery that his shirts just keep sliding off? He’s like the toddler who loves to run around the house naked. Come on, papa Usher, put some clothes on your kid before someone complains.

Anyway… I need you guys to submit more articles. Everyone! Something fun, something silly, ANYTHING. To find out how, click here. Seriously, I can’t keep doing this if people aren’t submitting poems. Remember, no poem is too stupid. In fact, stupid is preferred.

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