Bernstein: Nobody Cares About Your Fantasy Team
By Dan Bernstein-
CBSChicago.com Senior Columnist
(CBS) Enjoy.
Have your annual draft party in your friend's basement man-cave, indulging in as many scotches, Swisher Sweets and nacho-cheese Bugles you desire. Surround yourself with glossy magazines and open laptops, reveling in the selective distribution of NFL talent as you construct a pretend football team.
And don't forget to give it a wacky name that only you find clever, funny or meaningful.
Once that's done, limit your discussion of the "Muffin Divers," "Bong-Hit Wonders" or "Huevos Locos" to your leaguemates, your pets, nearby drywall, or whatever sprightly leprechauns are dancing merry jigs in your head. Tell them about Kevin Kolb.
Leave the rest of us out of it.
(This is not what you think it's going to be – a curmudgeonly grumble about the pointlessness of fantasy sports. I understand the popularity, and how it can be fun for you. I tolerate most of what's written and said about NFL players' relative valuations, since much of the analysis of playing time, scoring chances, and specific usage in different offenses can be helpful in understanding real football, when placed back in context. So there.)
It's not that I'm merely indifferent to which players you picked or where you are in the standings, it's that I actively, aggressively don't care, if such a thing is even possible. My level of not caring is so intense that it could, by strict definition, cross into the territory of caring.
Even when some cocktail-party loudmouth is jabbering about his financial portfolio, I try to half-listen, since there might be something to be learned. So he's still bullish on gold, getting out of REITs, buying mid-cap internationals and shorting Burger King. Fine. Can't hurt to know, could help.
Such is not the case when the unsolicited opinions concern whether or not to activate Bernard Berrian this week against the Lions.
People do have interests that are, indeed, interesting. I have no fundamental issue with you wanting to talk about something important to you. You may have enthralling stories of a recent Peace Corps deployment in Myanmar, some juicy stuff from your son's internship in the office of a controversial US senator, or a kick-ass recipe for Cantonese duck you tried last week. Hell, I'll even care about which orthopedist scoped your knee, and how much of the medial meniscus he removed.
Your fantasy football team, however, is not unique or remarkable. It's the same as every other to me, probably identical to a few out there somewhere in parallel, equally-boring universes, or deep space (I have it on good authority, in fact, that on the dwarf-planet Eris, Xerzax-9 the Ancient has assembled a roster identical to yours. And he's also calling it "Pigskin Pimpin'").
It's my fault if I ask, of course. Should I inquire as to why you're madly celebrating a 1-yard TD run by DeNobody Johnson that just cut the 4th-quarter lead to 36, I should expect the answer. And if I find myself in a Buffalo Wild Wings at 2:00 on a Sunday, I can't be mad if there is as much chatter about the fake squads as the real ones.
It's like if I asked you about your flossing habits, or crashed a quilting bee and rolled my eyes at all the damn, infernal quilting talk. That's on me.
If you want to wager hard-earned money on fragile bones and ligaments, go ahead. It must be nice to gnash your teeth over coaches' inexplicable whims taking the ball out of the hands of your guys. Best of all must be those occasions when you find yourself rooting against your favorite team because you own an opposing player.
By all means, have fun with it.
The NFL season looms, and papers are printing previews. The airwaves buzz with conversation.
Notice that we're discussing the Bears in Chicago, not your fantasy team.
There's a reason for that.
Dan Bernstein has been the co-host of "Boers and Bernstein" since 1999. He joined the station as a reporter/anchor in 1995. The Boers and Bernstein Show airs every weekday from 1PM to 6PM on The Score, 670AM. Read more of Bernstein's columns here. Follow him on Twitter @dan_bernstein.
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