Ten Foot Mailbag: South Side Irish Parade Has Lost Its Appeal

By Tim Baffoe-

(CBS) The South Side Irish Parade returns Sunday after a two-year stint in the drunk tank. Beefed up security, restrictions on bar crowds, a zero tolerance policy on drinking in public, and an unwelcome mat for North Side and suburban buses are some of the major changes to the infamous event in what the Parade committee and Beverly/Morgan Park residents hope will deter the massive amounts of idiotic behavior from years past.

Parade Day used to be fun. As a preteen, it was always a great learning experience to wander around the crowd with friends and people watch. As a college student, it was blurry. As an adult the whole thing began to wear thin. It was in my 20s that I slowly started to realize the negatives of the whole thing. Thousands and thousands of strangers—not neighborhood residents—flooding into the neighborhood, wearing shirts with oh-so-creative bastardized euphemistic versions of Irish slogans and the poser red flag of St. "Patty's" Day garb, treating the place like a college town.

I did not care when the Parade went away after 2009, nor did many South Siders. Now that it's back, I'm overall apathetic, mostly because I moved about a mile and a half west and don't need to worry about stabbing to death someone who's defecating in my yard or having sex against my garage. I do hope my family and friends with property in Beverly and Morgan Park, including the Western Ave. tavern owners, have the best of luck Sunday and the fewest of negative incidents. And I hope every idiot who can't control himself or herself and tries to ruin the day for others goes to jail and loses their job and dies poor and lonely, mumbling about how awesome St. "Patty's" Day is.

On to your questions. All emails and tweets are unedited.

@Ten_Foot_Midget would u like to see the Bears go after Mario Williams? #tfmb #cantsayihaventtried.—@noelbax

What Bears fan wouldn't want Williams? Even coming off a pectoral injury that ended his season after just five games in 2011, Williams should still be a beast. Coupled with Julius Peppers, the Bears could have one of the best pass rushes in the NFL. The problem, though, is that Williams is the top free agent at his position and will command a gigantic contract. The Bears have about $32 million in cap space to play around with, and fitting Williams' deal into that shouldn't be an issue.

What is an issue, though, is that Bears have a more gaping hole at WR in my eyes. If Jay Cutler doesn't have the tools to be the good-to-great QB most believe he is, how good the Bears defense is probably won't matter. While the team could probably afford both Williams and a top free agent receiver like Vincent Jackson or Marcus Colston (and I'd rather have VJax than Colston), they will probably only make a splash at one of the two positions.

If it's one or the other, I'm much more comfortable with the Bears giving the big money to a proven wideout and settling with a lesser priced free agent DE and/or pick in this year's draft.

If Rongey does pre and post games for the White sox for another 5 years, what are the odds that he makes it to 40?—RodeoVann

Rongey will be 35 on March 14 (wait until he sees what I got him), and yes I do see him making the age of 40 easily. This is mostly because A) he is extremely talented in the radio business and likely to move up the ladder, and B) he is an awful human being, and bad guys always live way longer than they should.

See, Rongey hates America, or at least your idea of it. He's basically a Communist who wants a redistribution of wealth, power to the workers and not Job Creators, and to eat your children. Sure, he's a good looking guy, but so was Ivan Drago. I advise everyone to listen to his work on White Sox Pre- and Postgame shows, but I wouldn't trust him any farther than I can throw a hammer and sickle.

He also loves U2. I hope there's a government dossier on him.

When will the #Matadors get the respect they deserve is this city? #TFMB—@ChicagoVince 

(Readers should know that this question comes from one of the famous Chicago Matadors)

You guys are a huge hit at Bulls games and are requested to make appearances for worthwhile causes. So what respect are you referring to?

Or are you one of those who believes fat people are a special minority who are discriminated against? Fat people don't deserve any special treatment—and I say that as a fat person. Even if one's obesity is genetic and not due to poor lifestyle choices, it isn't the same as being born with spina bifida or multiple sclerosis. If someone has a propensity toward being obese, that person needs to adjust his or her lifestyle to combat it, not rely on society to readily accept that which will most likely kill that person years before a normal expected lifespan. Any sane person with diabetes adjusts, as would someone with a predisposition to certain cancers. I am a candidate for melanoma, so I don't spend significant time in the sun without applying sunscreen. What I also don't do is demand that society give me ample shade wherever I choose to go.

1.Do you have a room in your apartment/house that has pin-ups of Drew Magary for you to gratify yourself to?  Kind of like Quagmire's room that he has dedicated to Lois Griffin.  You try so hard to be that guy and it's kind of sad.  You're a good writer, forge your own path, and quit trying to make every single thing you write so clever.—Peter Goezinya

It is a house—three bedroom, two bath, paid for with my three jobs (see, Rongey, I work for what's mine), and I live alone, not surprisingly. There's no special kinky room of any type, though, other than the kitchen when I'm making a fabulous meal.

I'm very flattered that you see some Magary in my work—even though I don't—because I am a huge fan of his, but I have to disagree that I'm trying to be him. See, my work here is censored—I can't curse or be explicit in certain ways, unlike Magary who weaves a gorgeous tapestry of profanity in most everything he writes. I don't think I have a penchant FOR TYPING IN ALL CAPS EITHER, WHICH IS QUITE MAGARY-ESQUE.

The "You're such a (insert more famous/accomplished name)" thing has always puzzled me. Nobody with any self-respect tries to "be" someone else in their profession. Everyone has their creative influences, of course. You could then say I'm trying to "be" Ernest Hemingway or David Sedaris or George Carlin or Ambrose Bierce or Steve Rosenbloom just as much as Drew Magary. I'm a product of everything I've ever read, seen, and heard—good and bad.

I don't understand why you would want to read something from me that isn't clever, too. I'm not a beat reporter. My job here isn't to present just the facts—my writing is subjective. I don't stand in front of a class of teenagers and lecture for 45 minutes, and I certainly won't do it here. Nothing of value gets accomplished that way. I learned long ago as the class clown that if people are laughing, they're listening, or as the great George Bernard Shaw supposedly put it, "If you're going to tell people the truth, you better make them laugh; otherwise, they'll kill you."

Your criticism is greatly appreciated, though. I mean that, and I welcome all constructive criticism from readers. Emailing it with what I assume is your real name is also appreciated—I respect you far more than an anonymous "You're righting scuks!" tweeter or message board commenter. But I'm going to keep on writing the way I think I always have, which is much the same way as before I even knew Magary even existed.

Springsteen was criticized for "trying to be" Dylan, and then Mellencamp got the same initial treatment for "trying to be" Springsteen. They didn't change, and with the exception of being nowhere near as successful as any of them, neither will I.

And you put "1." before your commentary. I'm disappointed there was no "2." There has to be more things to dislike about my work than just that.

Thanks for emailing, tweeting, and reading. If your question did not get answered this time, that does not necessarily mean I am ignoring it. It may be saved for the next mailbag. Hopefully you're a slightly better person now than you were ten minutes ago. If not, your loss.

Want your questions answered in a future Mailbag? Email them to tenfootmailbag@gmail.com or tweet them with the hashtag #TFMB. No question, sports or otherwise, is off limits (with certain logistical exceptions, e.g. lots of naughty words or you type in Portuguese or you solicit my death). If you email, please include a signature.

Tim Baffoe attended the University of Iowa and Governors State University and began blogging at The Score after winning the 2011 Pepsi Max Score Search. He enjoys writing things about stuff, but not so much stuff about things. When not writing for 670TheScore.com, Tim corrupts America's youth as a high school English teacher and provides a great service to his South Side community delivering pizzas (please tip him and his colleagues well). You can follow Tim's inappropriate brain droppings on Twitter @Ten_Foot_Midget , but please don't follow him in real life. He grew up in Chicago's Beverly To read more of Tim's blogs click here.