By Dan Bernstein-
CBSChicago.com senior columnist

(CBS) Crazy Dan’s is panic-peddling, and our warehouses are overflowing with inventory! Everything must go at prices you gotta see to believe!

We have all kinds of Bears panic, for every kind of fan, and I’m committed to making sure you leave here with the just the right kind of miserable fears of failure and disappointment that suit your needs and fit your budget.

I’ve got a loss to the Buffalo Bills, at home, in a season that begins with the expectation of contending for a title, and to a team quarterbacked by E.J Manuel, nonetheless. With that, I’ll throw in your choice of terrible eye-discipline against misdirection plays or bizarre second-quarter offensive play calling, absolutely free!

On special right now too is the fact that Chris Conte is the Bears’ best safety, despite an entire offseason for Phil Emery to realize that he had one job to do, and he didn’t do it. How’s that for making you want to lose your nachos on your shoes?

Nobody has our selection of Bears-related dread right now, at savings you don’t want to miss! Come see our Mega-Injury Tent Sale, right in the parking lot — here are sprained ankles that knocked Roberto Garza and Matt Slauson out of the game. Take a look at Alshon Jeffery’s pulled hamstring, and the ankle twist that had Brandon Marshall hobbling! I want you to experience all of this, and I’m dealing!

Remember all the offseason storylines that sounded so good until the practice games started? Me neither! They don’t matter now, having been reduced to so much rubble of existential angst that I can now pass along to you. There was the one about the money spent on free agents like Jared Allen to upgrade the pass rush so the defense could get off the field on third downs, and the one about Shea McClellin being an NFL linebacker. You can have either at a deep discount, just to make sure you feel as appropriately awful as you should.

In this display case right here is the supposed maturation and intelligence of Jay Cutler rendered absolutely wishful and nonexistent. Two kids and a wife and a rich new contract were all going to bring him inner peace and calm command of the offense, but instead he’s the same guy making the same throws that alternate between astonishing and inexcusable. The exact same guy, regardless of the new-age gobbledygook from the weirdo coach! Imagine that! Make me an offer!

Bad credit? No credit? No problem! Hablamos espanol, tambien! Mowimi po Polsku!

Perhaps that’s all a bit out of your price range as you shop for reasons to put all your Bears gear in a pile and pour battery acid on it, so we’ve got more in our bargain bin of deep anxiety. Any three for the price of two right now: Lance Briggs being late to react to pretty much everything, Charles Tillman taking miscalculated pursuit angles, the utter lack of a return game, both Santonio Holmes and Josh Morgan trying to get lined up properly,and Micheal Spurlock doing anything.

Installment plans are available, too, if you want to plunk down for the big stuff in the showroom that is enough to give you ulcers and migraines, like the fact that this is another Mel Tucker defense, led by a coordinator who has never proved successful at the job. Or the same thing that goes for Joe DeCamillis and the special teams.

After a home-opening loss that saw 192 rushing yards surrendered to a team that tried to hold itself back with 103 yards of penalties, what better time to buy our special proprietary combination of disgust and anguish?

Did I mention that all of our Bears panic is locally grown and comes from fans and observers committed to sustainability? At Crazy Dan’s, we care about the environment and the planet.

In the workroom over there, our craftsmen are putting the finishing touches on the next product we’re rolling out, available soon: the fact that next week this injured, faltering Bears team travels to San Francisco for a night game. It’s our best item yet, and it’s on sale soon with its own, special financing program.

It’s called a lay-awake plan.

Follow Dan on Twitter @dan_bernstein and read more of his columns here.