By Tim Baffoe–
(CBS) Talking about your fantasy football draft to people who weren’t involved in it is bad. Using valuable online publishing space that could be used to discuss important goings on in the sports world but instead to write an entire article on your 670 The Score fantasy draft is good.
If you’re new here, I run a covert operation every year in which I pretend to be really laser focused on our draft board while actually making sure my phone is recording all the conversations that go on in the draft room like “The station was better with Mike North” and “We received a new memo today with new liberal agenda talking points,” all for the tell-all I’ll write if I’m ever let go.
I also take notes on how terrible other owners in the league are doing with their picks while giving them a “Hey, quite the steal there” nod every so often. And I steal things from the building on Stetson Ave. because I haven’t been given a security clearance after six years writing for CBS. I then return home victorious in myriad ways to focus the carnage into a singular piece for you, the Score listener who hates people who work at The Score.
Wednesday night was the annual draft for the 670 The Score National Falcor fantasy football league. There were some new faces and one in absentia. Les Grobstein walked by at one point and made outdated references. We were banned from drinking alcohol on company premises, which severely delubricated several team owners’ abilities to live up to usual mediocrity. These are their stories.
The entire draft board is linked linked here. I selected last in the first round, and I will refrain from grading Team Mitch Rosinsky, one that so clearly stands the best chance of winning this jalopy of a league. To do otherwise would be as gauche as grading my performance as a teacher at the end of every class period rather than just having students tell me what a life-affirming experience it was before I unlock the door.
The first pick went to Kevin Dziepak. Did you know he works on the Mully & Hanley Show? No, not the angry producer who you’re always expecting to say “the blacks.” Kevin is the one who sounds like a Kings of Leon show smells. He drafted David Johnson from the lobby of the building to add drama or something while we all waited in the actual draft room. Then he spent the rest of the draft asking what team every player plays for. GRADE: D+
Pick 2 was Brian Gertsch’s. It’s his fault that you can see the midday show destroy the magic of radio with their visages. Gertsch actually paid attention and seemed to care, which isn’t typical of people behind the scenes of the midday show, and his first three picks were really good. His receiving corps doesn’t jump out at you but should prove solid. Waiting until the ninth round to take a quarterback and it being Dak Prescott could be worse. GRADE: A-
Joe Ostrowski drafted Ezekiel Elliott, Dalvin Cook, Tyreek Hill and Adrian Peterson. It’s like he was trying to draft one of my morality columns. Then he tried to even out the detestability by adding Kirk Cousins, yet I somehow hate that guy even more. Joe may or may not have a fantasy show still. GRADE: The league has hired an independent investigator and is scheduling a hearing with this team to determine the extent to which this team may be graded.
Rick Camp takes on the unenviable task of league commissioner, set up the whole draft, entered the picks, ordered the pizza — he’s an admirable leader. As a drafter, he’s more like a guy who hit his only major league homer at 3:30 a.m. and then tried to steal millions from a mental health facility. His running backs are akin to the Braves pitcher’s home run trot. Russell Wilson was outscored in our league last year by Blake Bortles. GRADE: C+
Next up was Connor McKnight, who could be at the draft because he does stuff for a baseball team that isn’t the Chicago Cubs. Remember Connor? He was the original Score Search winner. Currently I’m the only Score Search winner still affiliated with the station. Personally, I’d rather be alive than first. McKnight has a history of drafting under the influence of various substances. Melvin Gordon with the fifth pick because you’re both Wisconsin Badgers isn’t going to suggest that history is past. But at least he’s complemented by Ameer Abdullah, who splits time in his own backfield. GRADE: The White Sox record.
Looking at Jason Goff’s draft, you might think that hosting afternoon drive and getting that paper has made him care less about performance. Probably. But all you callers and texters to the Bernstein and Goff Show who insist (correctly) that Jason is racist have really gotten to him. He drafted three white pass catchers and Jay Cutler. Also Jacquizz Rodgers in the fourth, besides owning three tight ends. Still, I’d like to be the first person to welcome Jason back to Chicago. GRADE: D
Laurence Holmes’ team would be fantastic if he could play receivers at running back. Otherwise, his backfield is literally a bunch of backups and a Ram. Laurence will tell you that Matt Stafford threw for 4,000-plus yards last year. Everyone else will tell you he’s also Matt Stafford. Like any teacher worth his or her salt, I’ll always show favor to those who bribe me with food, and Laurence did show up to the draft with a giant bag full of various junk foods for the league, which lifts him from a D+. GRADE: C-
As a hockey expert, Jay Zawaski is also constantly battling accusations of racism. He’s now able to prove to the haters that he isn’t because he drafted two black quarterbacks. Unfortunately his draft is also very Bears-y, current and former, which is sure death to a fantasy team. And his third of three running backs is Frank Gore, who may literally be turned into dust particles this season. GRADE: D+
The banishment of the the war chant in Champaign and lack of NFL Illini seemed to really throw Herb Lawrence off his game (which is usually bad anyway). So his first-round pick isn’t playing this week, and he’s another member of the three tight ends fan club. But a Jaguars receiver surely will lift this squad. This draft is like deciding to move to San Diego for a year. GRADE: D
Chris Tannehill should be in the audio shop putting together the saddest of montages for this draft. Isaiah Crowell is a decapitation cartoon of a third-round pick. Nobody was clamoring for Derek Carr in the fourth. Tanney then took off his shirt, showed his full torso Butkus jersey tattoo and screamed “MITCH TRUBINSKY,” as well as Tarik Cohen, both of whom would likely have been in the free agent pool this morning. He was also the third “hip hop fan” in the league to draft three tight ends. GRADE: F
Tony, who is too young for me to care about his last name, like Gertsch, actually cared about his picks. The kids love them some Joe Mixon, who gets to prove how much he’s grown by sharing carries. Mariota in the ninth is good value, but taking Will Fuller V with a collarbone shaped like a V makes me question someone’s decision-making process. Tony robbed me of Devonta Freeman, so I’m glad he also has to deal with Mark Ingram getting 33 percent of carries in a passing offense. McFadden shouldn’t have slipped to him. GRADE: B+
So, yeah, it’s a clown show here, people. It’s like every bad stereotype about sports radio leaked Fruit Loops diarrhea on a draft board. Be sure to antagonize all these people on social media for such shameful displays.
Tim Baffoe is a columnist for CBSChicago.com. Follow Tim on Twitter @TimBaffoe. The views expressed on this page are those of the author, not CBS Local Chicago or our affiliated television and radio stations.