Horrible Horoscopes: LibraWe’re tired of you going to the “internet” when you need to learn about the “birds and the bees,” Libra. What can faceborg, googles or some new mobile app teach you that the bull, creepy twins, prude lady, invisible archer, or Simba can’t?
Horrible Horoscopes: AriesI’m going to be honest, and I never thought I’d say this, but the Moon is really worried about your sperm count, Aries. Why does the Moon worry about your sperm count? I don’t know, bro. I just look at the alignment and communicate what it tells me, and right now the alignment of the Moon (and Harvard researchers) has some very foreboding things to say about your sperm.
Horrible Horoscopes: VirgoAvoid the guillotine that is strife and hold your head high, Virgo. Sure, face your problems head-on if ya feel you need to, but there’s no need to get ahead of yourself. If the calamities in your life won’t budge, always keep a cool head...
Horrible Horoscopes: PiscesPisces, we know you want to show off your wicked tats, but they won’t make you any more rock ‘n’ roll than you already are (and, sorry--despite my dad’s claims that you’re "some solid hard rock”—you aren’t very rock ‘n’ roll). My mom, for example, has a couple tattoos. Have they made her more rock 'n' roll?
Horrible (Love) Horoscopes: Aries & TaurusAries & Taurus, you are by no means compatible. At all. And Taurus, come on, I thought the days of dating girls 100 years your junior were past you! True, love can overcome all odds, but some odds shouldn’t be overcome. Creepy near-pedophilia and vampiric cannibalism are two of those odds.
Horrible Horoscopes: LibraBefore you bash my face in, Libra, let your life flash before your angry, angry eyes and see yourself…
Horrible Horoscopes: AriesDo you think Thomas Jefferson, Kristen Stewart and Rosie Huntington-Whitely found love by being honest and open?
Horrible Horoscopes: AquariusDo gravediggers throw their shovels at people? Do racecar drivers run over pedestrians? Has a McDonald’s employee every thrown a batch of chicken nuggets being fried in oil at your face? I've never attempted to stab anyone in the eye with the pen I write articles with. I've thought about it. A lot. But I haven't done it.
Horrible Horoscopes: CapricornJaywalking? That's kids play for you. You'd break any law if you felt like it. You'd park in a no parking zone, litter, why, you'd probably even skip jury duty.
Horrible Horoscopes: LibraLibra, as you've trekked down the road that leads to happiness, not quite sure if you'll ever make it there, have you thought about selling out?
Horrible Horoscopes: LeoLeo, your life will be crushed not only by the metaphorical dump truck bearing down the road, but the literal dump truck bearing down the road.
Horrible Horoscopes: GeminiWell in this world, the real one, if you look up at the sky in the hope of finding out something about your future, the Moon will most likely give you the middle finger, then tell you your comb over looks horrible from his/her vantage point. Even from way up there in space.
Horrible (Love) Horoscopes: Leo & PiscesPisces, we all know you’d lie (and lay) your mother right into a shallow grave--telling her everything’s going to be alright as you shovel dirt onto her face--if it meant getting ahead in the world. And Leo, you’re no lion – your roar lacks its bite. You might have a great smile and a tender heart, but you couldn’t scare a Middle Eastern bully if your lunch money depended on it...
Horrible Horoscopes: PiscesPisces, prepare for your world to be turned upside down. Sometimes, the foundations of everything we believe in aren’t just challenged, but broken.
Horrible Horoscopes: CapricornWe’re talkin’ worse than stealing candy form a baby (cause, really, do those babies need that candy?). Your evil is on par with that German dude from Die Hard, Sauron's Nazgûl, and Kim Kardashian (we gotta do something before she ruins Kanye).