Horrible Horoscopes: VirgoLook at the high and mighty Easter Bunny, for example! He’s become so powerful, nay, so power-hungry, that he actually believes the law does not apply to him. Well one day he’ll come crashing down, Virgo, and no one will benefit from that.
Horrible Horoscopes: LeoYour love for nature will not allow you to stand idly by as we turn Mamma Earth into some post-apocalyptic wasteland. And I’m not talkin’ Dune, Leo, I’m talkin’ The Book of Eli, and hey, I love Denzel Washington as much as the next guy, but come on, that movie was no Remember the Titans, and if there's any kind of post-apocalyptic wasteland the Earth should turn into, we all know it should be the one from Road Warrior, but I'm rambling, Leo, I'm rambling...
Horrible Horoscopes: CancerThe stars know where you can find love, Cancer. Somewhere large and indoors. A place of perpetual sales and bright fluorescent lights. They employ your grandfather--a man who put in 40 years at the plant and deserves a break, dammit--as a door greeter making minimum wage. The amount of misery their employees go through is only rivaled by the amount of money you can save by shopping there.
Horrible Horoscopes: LibraIf you don’t learn how to pick up after your dog soon, Libra, the stars will BRING THE HAMMER DOWN. Yes, that’s right, the stars will punish you if you let your dog poop on the sidewalk one more time. The destruction will be swift and painful, worse than any onslaught you’ve ever heard described in a metal song. Seriously. You will cease to exist.
Horrible Horoscopes: AquariusIt’s tough when your fellow football players pick on you in the locker room, asking, “Why don’t we ever see ya with any girls, Aquarius? Huh? Are you afraid of them? Hey guys, look! Aquarius is afraid of girls! Aquarius is afraid of commitment! Look at Aquarius, refusing to settle down and move forward with his life! Let’s whip him with towels, then go watch Varsity Blues and Rudy before crying in the hot tub together!”
Horrible Horoscopes: PiscesPisces, we know you want to show off your wicked tats, but they won’t make you any more rock ‘n’ roll than you already are (and, sorry--despite my dad’s claims that you’re "some solid hard rock”—you aren’t very rock ‘n’ roll). My mom, for example, has a couple tattoos. Have they made her more rock 'n' roll?
Horrible Horoscopes: AquariusAquarius! Crawl out the metaphorical slit your jailers call a window, down that imaginary rope made of your hopes, dreams and bed sheets, and live your life!
Horrible Horoscopes: CapricornWhat? You think nobody noticed? You can’t fill up an elevator with your own unique... creations... and expect the one other person stuck in there with you to NOT notice. Seriously? You said, “It wasn’t me”? Who would believe you?
Horrible Horoscopes: SagittariusSagittarius, the stars and the Moon (especially) have no moral compass. They don’t care if you break the law. In fact, sometimes, if you’re good at it, they encourage it. But you’re not good at it.
Horrible Horoscopes: VirgoVirgo (can I call you Virgo?), the days of standing by your original recipe are behind you. And crispy? Forgettaboutit. Live your life like you’re a bucket full of spicy goodness.
Horrible Horoscopes: TaurusWho knows, maybe 5 years of being a hermit could help you reflect on the horrible things you’ve done and make you a better person. It's doubtful, but it could happen.
Horrible Horoscopes: ScorpioWell, for one, you could one day be the oldest person on facebook. How does THAT sound? You’ll make up for all those… departed… friends within days! People will be friend requesting you, sending you messages, and poking you all day and night long!
Horrible Horoscopes: LeoLeo, your life will be crushed not only by the metaphorical dump truck bearing down the road, but the literal dump truck bearing down the road.
Horrible Horoscopes: VirgoVirgo, do you scurry down the sidewalk looking left and right repeatedly as you stick to the shadows? Do you randomly hear someone call your name from behind, but when you twist around, find the sidewalk empty? Do you not only talk to yourself, but have disagreements with yourself about who you love more, Lindsay Lohan or Amanda Bynes?
Horrible Horoscopes: AquariusMason Johnson knows nothing about horoscopes or astrology. Seriously. When he was six, his mom thought it was funny to make him stick his head out the car window and scream, “What’s your sign?” at women walking by. That is the extent of his experience. Also, Mason is an Aquarius… ladies.