By Mason Johnson

Warning: If you love astrology, are offended easily, or/and have no sense of humor, this might make you gassy (and angry).

Wanna wear Ryan Gosling’s jacket, if ya know what I mean (It’s a cool jacket!) (Credit: Drive 2011 Bold Films/Odd Lot Entertainment/Marc Platt Productions/Seed Productions)


Scorpio, you have the coolest name out of all the signs. It’s one letter away from being “scorpion.” That’s so dang cool, you have no idea. I bet you ride a motorcycle and wear a leather coat and sunglasses and don’t bother with a helmet.

You should wear a helmet, bro. For safety.

But I can’t tell you what to do! You’re Scorpio! You do what you want.

Man, Scorpio… You’ll never change.

Anyway, the alignment of Venus has some pretty solid advice for you: Don’t let that dude you’re seein’ or that lady you’ve been hanging out with trick you into changing your relationship status on facebook. You’ve garnered a lot of cool points by leaving it blank. Is Scorpio single? Taken? Into men? Women? Who knows?!

People dig mystery, Scorpio.

But look at you! You know this already.

Can we be friends?

Horrible Horoscopes is updated Monday through Saturday at 12 and 2 pm. Find the latest Horrible Horoscopes here!

Mason Johnson knows absolutely nothing about astrology.