Horrible Horoscopes

By Mason Johnson

Warning: If you love astrology, are offended easily, or/and have no sense of humor, this might make you gassy (and angry). Not your sign? Find more Horrible Horoscopes here.

Here's a roundup of all our recent Horrible Horoscopes! Like all horoscopes, they are very scientific and extremely accurate. Obviously.

Aries

Aries! Look at you! Some advice: get off the couch and do something with yourself. You can't just sit there all day, man. Don't you know that messes with your virility? Read the rest of the horoscope here...

Taurus

Taurus, your nurturing nature is one of your strongest strengths you strongly possess in a strengthy way. But like many strong strengths, it can be a double-edged sword. A double-edged sword that–instead of cutting your enemies down while you're surrounded by lotus petals–somehow cuts you, Taurus. Read the rest of the horoscope here...

Gemini

It's not that your grandkids don't love you, Gemini. It's that they have no need for you anymore. They're so preoccupied with the Googles and Faceborgs, they don't need you to teach them about making pasta, building wicked-sweet bookshelves, or fly fishing rods. Read the rest of the horoscope here...

Cancer

Love! The petroleum oil that makes human beings chug chug chug forward, polluting the world with foolish abandon. It's great, Cancer, but where do you find this "love"? Where do you hunt it down, tackle it, and strangle it into submission? Read the rest of the horoscope here...

Leo

Leo, you wonderful lion, the circle of life is to be respected. The stars realize you're bombarded by the enemies of Mother Nature: over population, carbon emissions and, worst of all… littering. But you must not give up! Read the rest of the horoscope here...

Virgo

Virgo, as you fly through life in a magically unexplainable way, possibly like a 747 (woh, dude, it just occurred to me, planes are big hunks of metal, how do they stay in the air???), the stars have some simple advice: don't lose your head. Read the rest of the horoscope here...

Libra

Alright, Libra… I've stepped into… I mean… The stars! The stars have stepped into their fair share of trouble in their life, but your latest discretion has gone too far. I'm tired… Wait, I mean… The stars! The stars are tired of your... well... you know. Read the rest of the horoscope here...

Scorpio

Scorpio, if I could simultaneously do a slow clap and a rapid, excited clap, I would. But I can't. I only have two hands, Scorpio. That limits me to one style of clapping. Sometimes I think about how cool it would be to have, say, two extra hands. And, you know, not somewhere useless like my butt-cheeks. Read the rest of the horoscope here...

Sagittarius

Sagittarius, the stars and the Moon (especially) have no moral compass. They don't care if you break the law. In fact, sometimes, if you're good at it, they encourage it. But you're not good at it. Read the rest of the horoscope here...

Capricorn

Capricorn, stop hiding who you are. The stars think you should shed your skin and show this miserable world what you're made of: farts. You're mostly made of farts. Read the rest of the horoscope here...

Aquarius

Aquarius, you probably shouldn't tell the press about your pretend girlfriend. It won't go well. Read the rest of the horoscope here...

Pisces

It's always about you, isn't it, Pisces? Of course it is! Look at you now, sitting in front of your computer, reading your horoscope, barely even acknowledging my existence... Have you ever thought to ask how I'm doing? Have you ever looked up at the sky and considered what kind of mood the constellations are in? Have you ever waved to the moon just to say hi? Read the rest of the horoscope here...

Read more Horrible Horoscopes. Find the latest Horrible Horoscopes here!

Mason Johnson knows absolutely nothing about astrology. Follow his extremely inappropriate and unintelligent twitter here.