By Mason Johnson

Warning: If you love astrology, are offended easily, or/and have no sense of humor, this might make you gassy (and angry). Not your sign? Find more Horrible Horoscopes here.

Sorry for the creepy Hugh Hefner pic. We had a surprising lack of images that came up when I typed in “spanking.” At least Hef is an Aries. (Credit: David Klein/Getty Images)


Fight for what’s yours, Aries.

No matter what it is. Or who you’re fighting.

Sure, it looks bad to stab your son

… For a beer.

But this isn’t just about a beer. This is about the principal of it all. Children are supposed to obey their fathers, and when they don’t, you spank them.

What if your child’s an adult though? Can you just bend them over your knee and spank them?

No, probably not. By the time they’re adults, you’ve grown older and feebler, and they’ve grown bigger and stronger.

So, instead of spanking them with the flat of your hand, you spank them with a knife.

Not in the head or anything. Just somewhere minor. I mean, you love them and want them to continue to grow as a human being. So just stab your kid in the leg…

… Along with anyone else who gets in between you and your brew.

Rules to live by.

Horrible Horoscopes is updated Monday through Friday. Find the latest Horrible Horoscopes here!

Mason Johnson knows absolutely nothing about astrology.