Rosie Huntington-Whitely: Pimp. Kirsten Stewart: Pimp. Thomas Jefferson: SUPER PIMP. (Rosie Huntington-Whitely Credit: YASUYOSHI CHIBA/AFP/GettyImages) (Kristen Stewart Credit: Jason Merritt/Getty Images) (Thomas Jefferson Credit: National Archive/Newsmakers)

By Mason Johnson

Warning: If you love astrology, are offended easily, or/and have no sense of humor, this might make you gassy (and angry). Not your sign? Find more Horrible Horoscopes here.


Aries, you might be tempted to open yourself up to your one true love today.


Sure, maybe, just maybe, if you give every honest bit of love that you have to give, this person will return the favor and do the same.

But they might reject you too, leaving you a pile of nothing. Leaving you a worthless chump that nobody loves. Leaving you with nothing but your X-Box live buddies who are just as lonely, if not lonelier, than you.

Do you think Thomas Jefferson, Kristen Stewart and Rosie Huntington-Whitely found love by being honest and open?

NO! They found love by bein’ pimps.

So go be a pimp, Aries.

Horrible Horoscopes is updated Monday through Friday. Find the latest Horrible Horoscopes here!

Mason Johnson knows absolutely nothing about astrology!