Horrible Horoscopes: Cancer

By Mason Johnson

Warning: If you love astrology, are offended easily, or/and have no sense of humor, this might make you gassy (and angry).

Cancer

Love has no boundaries, but you should obey that restraining order your ex put on you.

Serenading is romantic, but sitting in a tree and silently staring into someone's bedroom doesn't count.

"But if I sang, they'd know I was there!"

Yeah, that's kind of the point, Cancer. You're supposed to sing. If you don't like singing, I'm sure there are alternatives. I mean, have you even seen that crappy John Cusack movie with the boombox? He circumvented his horrible singing voice by bringing a boombox, which seems really lazy to me, but it's certainly less creepy than anything you've ever done.

So, if you tone it down a bit, the stars think your love life might improve.

Horrible Horoscopes is updated Monday through Saturday at 12 and 2 pm. Find the latest Horrible Horoscopes here!

Mason Johnson know nothing about John Cusack and has a crush on astrology. Wait, that was supposed to be the other way around.