By Mason Johnson

Warning: If you love astrology, are offended easily, or/and have no sense of humor, this might make you gassy (and angry). Not your sign? Find more Horrible Horoscopes here.

Oooh sweet goodness get into my mouth...(Credit: Tim Boyle)

Oooh sweet goodness get into my mouth…(Credit: Tim Boyle)


Hey, Gemini, it’s aboot time you straighten up and fly right.

Sure, you thought you could make it as a big-time criminal mastermind, plotting the biggest maple syrup heist in history, but did that work out for you?

No, the situation got sticky and you were caught like a fly… like a fly… like a fly in something viscous and sticky.

Why, Gemini? Was it really the money, or was it your insatiable love for sweet, sweet syrup?

If you’re lucky, you’ll kick your habit in prison, Gemini. (Do they have prisons in Canada?)

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Mason Johnson knows absolutely nothing about astrology and thinks it’s both funny and sort of makes sense that Canadians pronounce again “a-gain.”