By Mason Johnson

Warning: If you love astrology, are offended easily, or/and have no sense of humor, this might make you gassy (and angry).

Yeeeaaaaah… I don’t know what’s going on here either. (Credit: Adam Pretty/Getty Images)


Leo, fortune favors the bold…

… And the prepared.

Are you ready for the zombie apocalypse? It’s coming! The stars tell me so.

Wipe that smirk off your face, Leo – this is serious business. If it wasn’t, why have my parents been training me for the zombie apocalypse since I was 8? Everyone thinks it’s cool that I was homeschooled, but you try a full schedule of katana practice, wilderness training and archery every single day of your childhood.

Other kids got to go to Chuck-E-Cheese! Me? My mother would grab me by the shoulders every morning, shake me violently, and scream, “WHAT IF I TURNED INTO A ZOMBIE? WHAT WOULD YOU DO?”

If my answer wasn’t, “Aim for the head,” she’d slap me, Leo. She’d slap me silly.

Where was I?

Horrible Horoscopes is updated Monday through Saturday at 12 and 2 pm. Find the latest Horrible Horoscopes here!

Mason Johnson knows absolutely nothing about astrology and wants his childhood back.