By Mason Johnson

Warning: If you love astrology, are offended easily, or/and have no sense of humor, this might make you gassy (and angry). Not your sign? Find more Horrible Horoscopes here.

You don’t got a chance with Christina Riccia, but you can tell your grandkids you did. (Credit: Andreas Rentz/Getty Images)


Libra, you’re going to die.

Not, like, immediately.


We all die, ya know.

Here’s the thing: by the time you die, all your loved ones will hate you. The older you get, the grumpier you get. You’re interior will eventually match the bent and broken exterior you inherit in old age. Because of this, the stars suggest you don’t leave your obituary up to the handful of angry, spiteful family members still standing once you’re gone.

Write your own obit.

Say you rode unicorns, single handedly beat Hitler in WWII with a good, ol’ punch to the jaw and dated Christina Ricci if you want! True or not, who cares, it’s your obit. It’ll be better than whatever your ungrateful relatives write.

Horrible Horoscopes is updated Monday through Friday. Find the latest Horrible Horoscopes here!

Mason Johnson knows absolutely nothing about astrology.