By Mason Johnson

Warning: If you love astrology, are offended easily, or/and have no sense of humor, this might make you gassy (and angry). Not your sign? Find more Horrible Horoscopes here.

Liam Neeson can get you outta all sorts of binds. (Credit: Chung Sung-Jun/Getty Images)


Taurus, the stars want you to know that you can have whatever you want.

Seriously. Money? Love? A trip to Disneyland? It’s all within your reach.

“But how?” you ask! I’ll tell you how:


People are gullible sheep. Sheeple, if you want to get technical. Lie, and they’ll believe you. It can’t be a small lie though. Small lies never work. It’s gotta be a big lie. If you want to go to Disneyland, you can just say your children were kidnapped and you need to get them back Liam Neeson (a la Taken) style.

But, honestly, while that does seem like a good and believable lie, people might not buy into it. You just don’t love your kids enough to fight to get them back. Try something more simple, yet so horrific, no one can question it.

Like saying you have Cancer.

Lemme know how that works out for ya, Taurus.

Horrible Horoscopes is updated Monday through Friday. Find the latest Horrible Horoscopes here!

Mason Johnson knows absolutely nothing about astrology and has a very particularly useless set of skills.