By Mason Johnson

Warning: If you love astrology, are offended easily, or/and have no sense of humor, this might make you gassy (and angry). Not your sign? Find more Horrible Horoscopes here.

That’s definitely the wrong kind of paddle. (Credit: Streeter Lecka/Getty Images)


If, at any point in the future, you have a choice to move to Texas, the stars suggest you say no.

It doesn’t matter what kind of opportunities open up for you there, Pisces. Texas is crazy, and will paddle you.

And everything’s bigger there! We’re not talking normal-sized paddles. We’re talking about 2x4s mislabeled as paddles. We’re talking like you-won’t-be-able-to-sit-for-a-week-paddles.

And that’s just for mouthing off. Who knows what kind of punishment Texas dishes out for something worse. And let’s face it, Pisces, you got a big mouth.

So stay outta Texas.

Horrible Horoscopes is updated Monday through Saturday at 12 and 2 pm. Find the latest Horrible Horoscopes here!

Mason Johnson knows absolutely nothing about astrology, and is heartbroken. Literally.