By Mason Johnson

Warning: If you love astrology, are offended easily, or/and have no sense of humor, this might make you gassy (and angry). Not your sign? Find more Horrible Horoscopes here.

Your name’s not Die Hard, it’s John McClane, duh! (Credit: Getty Images)


Pisces, prepare for your world to be turned upside down. Sometimes, the foundations of everything we believe in aren’t just challenged, but broken.

Remember when you found out thunder isn’t actually the sound of God bowling?

Remember when you realized Bruce Willis’s name in Die Hard isn’t actually “Die Hard”?

How about that time your mother had too much pinot grigio, explained that your father might not actually be your father and then begged you not to say anything to him about her little “indiscretion”?

Well this is worse.

As it turns out, the five second rule… It’s bunk. It’s not reliable. It flat-out doesn’t work.

Apparently, an army of germs can easily descend upon that Reese’s Cup you dropped on your kitchen floor in less than five seconds.

So next time you drop a BBQ rib on the ground, just let it be, Pisces. Please, don’t eat it.

Horrible Horoscopes is updated Monday through Friday. Find the latest Horrible Horoscopes here!

Mason Johnson knows absolutely nothing about astrology.