Horrible Horoscopes: Pisces

By Mason Johnson

Warning: If you love astrology, are offended easily, or/and have no sense of humor, this might make you gassy (and angry). Not your sign? Find more Horrible Horoscopes here.

Pisces

Pisces, the stars are very happy about your resolution to "be more awesome" in 2013. It's an admirable goal with a lot of intelligence and depth.

...

And I want to help! Some advice in accomplishing your resolution:

Put on a shirt.

We know you want to show off your wicked tats, but they won't make you any more rock 'n' roll than you already are (and, sorry--despite my dad's claims that you're "some solid hard rock"—you aren't very rock 'n' roll). My mom, for example, has a couple tattoos. Have they made her more rock 'n' roll?

Oh man, did I bring up my mother in another horoscope? I gotta get these issues checked out.

Anyway, put a shirt on. You're making the Moon self conscious about his alabaster complexion and round edges (for which I say there's nothing to be embarrassed about, but the Moon doesn't listen to me).

Read more Horrible Horoscopes. Find the latest Horrible Horoscopes here!

Mason Johnson knows absolutely nothing about astrology and understands that many people probably enjoy looking at a shirtless Adam Levine, but come on, he's no Iggy Pop.