By Mason Johnson

Warning: If you love astrology, are offended easily, or/and have no sense of humor, this might make you gassy (and angry). Not your sign? Find more Horrible Horoscopes here.

Oh. Wow. There WAS an elephant. (Credit: Paula Bronstein/Getty Images)


Your kids wearin’ you out, Sagittarius? Maybe, with the bumpy road of parenthood ahead, it’s time to relax a little. To sit back and have a drink, or two… or eight.

As long as you can see straight and make sure to chew a piece of gum to hide your your awful, alcohol-fueled breath before you drop your daughter off at karate, you should be okay.

How do you know when to stop drinking? When you’ve had so much to drink you’re dodging non-existant elephants on the road, you should probably give up the hooch.

And, whatever you do, if for whatever reason the authorities are called to your house, don’t throw your beer cans at them. Especially if they’re full. And there’s thirty of them.

I get the feeling you’re gonna make a great parent, Sag.

Horrible Horoscopes is updated Monday through Friday. Find the latest Horrible Horoscopes here!

Mason Johnson knows absolutely nothing about astrology.