By Mason Johnson

Warning: If you love astrology, are offended easily, or/and have no sense of humor, this might make you gassy (and angry). Not your sign? Find more Horrible Horoscopes here.


Fine, she’s not a natural blonde, but she still broke my heart. (Credit: FREDERIC J. BROWN/AFP/GettyImages)

My ex was a Sagittarius.

Maybe that’s why she cheated?

Or maybe it was because she’s blonde

Now I ain’t sayin’ all blondes are evil.

Nor am I saying they’re stupid. In fact, I’m saying the opposite. I think blondes are extraordinarily smart. I mean, you gotta be smart if you’re able to convince me you’ve got bible study every Saturday night at 10 pm when, in reality, YOU’RE OUT DANCING WITH MY DUNGEONS & DRAGONS DM.

I’m a mess. I know. But gimme some slack, this woman ripped my heart out and ate it with her bare hands, red blood and pink, hearty bits going down her chin as she chewed…

Horrible Horoscopes is updated Monday through Saturday at 12 and 2 pm. Find the latest Horrible Horoscopes here!

Mason Johnson knows absolutely nothing about astrology, and is heartbroken. Literally.