By Mason Johnson

Warning: If you love astrology, are offended easily, or/and have no sense of humor, this might make you gassy (and angry). Not your sign? Find more Horrible Horoscopes here.

Charlize & Kelly, do NOT trust that dog. (Credit: Kevin Winter/Getty Images)


Scorpio, do whatever you need to do to get ahead.


It’s a dog eat your filet mignon when you get up to go to the bathroom kinda world. Who are you in it? The dog, or the poor sap crying over the steak he slaved over that’s now covered in slobber and laying on the floor?

Personally, I’d have just taken the steak in the bathroom with me and eaten it on the can. Not everyone can be me (a winner).

Horrible Horoscopes is updated Monday through Friday. Find the latest Horrible Horoscopes here!

Mason Johnson knows absolutely nothing about astrology.