By Mason Johnson

Warning: If you love astrology, are offended easily, or/and have no sense of humor, this might make you gassy (and angry). Not your sign? Find more Horrible Horoscopes here.

Facebook page of Maria Colunia Segura-Metzgar. (credit: facebook)


Scorpio, outlive everyone around you.

Seriously, if life is a race, it’s one you want to finish last. Say, “See ya later, suckers!” as everyone passes you by.

Don’t you want to be a winner?

Yes. You do.

What will you win?

Well, for one, you could one day be the oldest person on facebook. How does THAT sound? You’ll make up for all those… departed… friends within days! People will be friend requesting you, sending you messages, and poking you all day and night long!

Now that’s what I’m talkin’ bout, Scorpio.

Horrible Horoscopes is updated Monday through Friday. Find the latest Horrible Horoscopes here!

Mason Johnson knows absolutely nothing about astrology and plans on outliving every single person he loves.