By Mason Johnson

Warning: If you love astrology, are offended easily, or/and have no sense of humor, this might make you gassy (and angry). Not your sign? Find more Horrible Horoscopes here.

I want to know where Santa's getting money to look so spiffy... (Credit: James McCauley/Harrods via Getty Images)

Where’s Santa getting money to look so good??? (Credit: James McCauley/Harrods via Getty Images)


Taurus, sorry your Christmas presents never came. There’s nothing worse than waking up Christmas morning to find a tree (glowing with lights and ornaments) with no presents underneath. If you want to blame someone, don’t blame Santa, or your parents…

Blame Ohio State Troopers.

Or, you know what? Blame yourself. Seriously, who asks for something illegal for Christmas? And why would Santa actually try to give you this gift? Either he’s one liberal sonuvagun (he does favor redistribution of wealth, obviously), or you were somehow at the very top of the “nice list.”

Next year, just ask for an X-Box or something, Taurus.

Mason Johnson knows absolutely nothing about astrology.