Amanda & Lindsay, two different sides of the same insane coin. (Amanda Bynes Credit: Christopher Polk/Getty Images) (Lindsay Lohan Credit: Kristoffer Tripplaar/ Sipa Press)

By Mason Johnson

Warning: If you love astrology, are offended easily, or/and have no sense of humor, this might make you gassy (and angry). Not your sign? Find more Horrible Horoscopes here.


As Jupiter takes the metaphorical highway to the non-existent danger zone, you should trust the little voice in your head telling you what’s right and what’s wrong, Virgo.

DON’T, however, trust the voices in your head.

There’s a key difference here:

Voice = good, cause it’s one unified moral compass in your mind.

Voices = bad, cause it probably means you’re insane.

How do you know which Virgo you are? Do you…

A.) … Walk down the street with your head held high, your eyes confidently pointed in front of you, one foot stepping in front of the other?

B.) … Scurry down the sidewalk looking left and right repeatedly as you stick to the shadows? Do you randomly hear someone call your name from behind, but when you twist around, find the sidewalk empty? Do you not only talk to yourself, but have disagreements with yourself about who you love more, Lindsay Lohan or Amanda Bynes?

Answer with care, Virgo…

Horrible Horoscopes is updated Monday through Friday. Find the latest Horrible Horoscopes here!

Mason Johnson knows absolutely nothing about astrology.