By Mason Johnson

Warning: If you love astrology, are offended easily, or/and have no sense of humor, this might make you gassy (and angry). Not your sign? Find more Horrible Horoscopes here.

(Credit: Alexandra Beier/Getty Images)

Aries & Taurus

Aries & Taurus, you are by no means compatible. At all.

Aries! You’re nothing more than a tasty meal for Tarsus’s carnivorous nature.

And Taurus, come on, I thought the days of dating girls 100 years your junior were past you!

True, love can overcome all odds, but some odds shouldn’t be overcome. Creepy near-pedophilia and vampiric cannibalism are two of those odds.

Besides, Taurus, this will just end in heartbreak. You date a girl 80+ years younger than you, and she’ll just end up cheating on you with a younger guy… her director maybe. (Plus, even at half your age, he’s still too old for her. Gross.)

But hey! It’s a step in the right direction, right?

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Mason Johnson knows absolutely nothing about astrology and has never seen a Twilight movie, but would do so for love.