Horrible (Love) Horoscopes: Sagittarius & Capricorn

By Mason Johnson

Warning: If you love astrology, are offended easily, or/and have no sense of humor, this might make you gassy (and angry). Not your sign? Find more Horrible Horoscopes here.

Sagittarius & Capricorn

If you're going to last, Sagittarius and Capricorn, you'll need to realize that size isn't everything.

Capricorn, the stars get it, sometimes you feel like you're comin' up a few inches short. It's natural. You shouldn't let these fears bother you, particularly when you're in a relationship with Sagittarius, who will seize any inadequacy festering inside your psyche and use it to bludgeon your soul to a shapeless, disgusting pulp. Imagine bad mayonaise resting sluggishly in a jar. That will be your soul, Capricorn.

Sagittarius, size really doesn't matter. It's the experience that's important. So stop being a judgmental jerk (+2 points for alliteration!) and get over the shortcomings in front of you.

And next time you're at Subway, try not to get into a fight. It just doesn't look good.

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Mason Johnson knows absolutely nothing about astrology.