Bernstein: Oney Guillen Fighting A Nonexistent Threat

By Dan Bernstein–

Immature attention-whore Oney Guillen envisions himself as a heroic guardian of the family name. The 24-year-old adolescent fires venomous Twitter salvos while idling on a Venezuelan beach, then puts down his daiquiri long enough to dial up WSCR to dig even deeper into his self-made hole of stupid.

His entire justification for airing clubhouse information long considered privileged was that Bobby Jenks impugned his father on the way out of town when he insulted Ozzie’s handling of the Sox bullpen – an affront so egregious, apparently, that it merited a swift, illiterate broadcast of Jenks’ drinking, marital problems, and tearful meetings in the manager’s office.

The silliest part of this silly, tired story is Oney’s anachronistic, over-romanticized belief that a major-league manager needs this kind of protection from the harmless sour grapes of a jilted relief pitcher.

“Hello. My name is Oney Guillen. You insulted my father. Prepare to die!”

This isn’t a movie, kid. You’re not in the revenge business. And any family that needs your style of help must not be very strong in the first place.

It’s true that Ozzie himself has always been paradoxical, in that he’s comfortable living outside himself, expressing unfiltered thoughts about everything he does, while simultaneously being terribly sensitive. It’s a combination of traits that makes for complicated professional and personal life, and endless reality-show drama in a big media market.

But Ozzie has to be man enough to handle this. The rest of his players and his bosses need confirmation that he is not tacitly endorsing Oney’s unfortunate campaign, and he needs to say expressly that he is not. And soon.

Then he needs to give Oney the kind of straightening out that seems long overdue.

Something like this: “Son, I appreciate that you think you’re trying to help me. I know that it hurts you to hear me insulted in public. But that’s part of my job, and I can take care of it. I will respond if I feel the need, and whether or not to do so is my call, and mine alone. You aren’t helping me – you’re hurting me. In fact, you could get me fired, and any other team that may want to hire me will want to know how and why this happened in Chicago. This stops now.”

Ken Williams is in a powerful position at the moment, as his relationship with Ozzie & Sons has found a point of forced, tenuous détente. Williams is swaggering after the acquisitions of Adam Dunn and Jesse Crain, and the retention of Paul Konerko. His standing with Jerry Reinsdorf is as solid as ever, and their tolerance of the Guillen circus has been remarkable.

There are limits to such things, though.

The only reason Oney Guillen is able to wreak ignorant havoc from the comfort of South American sands is that his father is the manager of the Chicago White Sox.

I don’t know if he understands that.

More from Dan Bernstein
  • Chet's Inflated Ego

    “self-made hoile of stupid” is a great line!!!!!!!! LOL

    • Chet's Inflated Ego


      I still can’t type!

  • Chet's Inflated Ego

    Dubya invaded Iraq due to the same dynamic.

  • Beverly Brewmaster

    Personally, I think the whole situation reeks of a spoiled brat who always got what he wanted, and if Ozzie didn’t bother to keep him in line back then, why would he bother to do so now? Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mean to absolve Oney, but when you’ve lived a privileged life where you never had to face the consequences of your actions, how else would you expect somebody to act?

  • Chet's Inflated Ego

    Good analysis BevBrew, I agree with you.

  • Chet's Inflated Ego

    I disagree a little with Bernsie’s ending.
    Because his father is the Manager of the Sox is NOT the only reason the ignorant little twerp can Twitter away from a VZ beach. Why, any moron with a non-famous father can Twitter away and can also call B&B (and we really enjoy those calls from morons, so please call in).
    Because his father is the Manager of the Sox is the only reason this is NEWS.

  • Denver Smeghead

    Cue up Ozzie’s “Oh god” soundbite. Oney needs to a) STFU, b) get a real job, c) STFU some more.

    Blackhawks’ continued injuries make me want to cry, as they were just getting everything together even with Hossa, Kane, and Pisani out. Now I can easily see it falling apart with Toews out for “a couple of weeks”.

    Hopefully I can find an online stream to watch the Bears game Sunday. Thank you, flex scheduling, for pitting a meaningful game directly against the meaningless Broncos; no Fox games allowed in that time slot when the Broncos are on CBS. And I’m ever thankful to not be a DirecTV customer.

    • Chet's Inflated Ego

      sorry to hear that Smeg

      and then on top of it all you have to live through all the Teebowmania $hit

      • Jon, Montgomery

        well, i have sites for smeg, if he wants in, but i guess he can handle himself

      • Denver Smeghead

        Yeah, I can generally find a feed to watch the games. At worst, I listen to the radio feed.

        And yes, the Tebow stuff got old quick.

    • Jon, Montgomery

      i know of some great TV streaming sites if you’re interested! SSSHHHHH!!!! :D

  • Jon, Montgomery

    actually, it would probably go Something like this: “Son, I appreciate dat you fink you try to hep me. I know dat it hurt you to her me insulted in public. Buh that’s par o my jaob, I can take care o it. I will respon if I fel tha need, and wheder o naht to do is my call, and mine alone. You ain’t help me – you hurt me… and my a.s.s, In fack, you coud get me fire, and annny oder team dat migh wanna hire me will want to know how and why dis happen in Chicago. dis stops now, or i kick yo a.s.s.”

  • Chet's Inflated Ego

    Ha! LOL, that was frickin’ brilliantly funny!
    You nailed it, Jon.

  • Jon, Montgomery

    LOL, i can’t believe NBC chose the seahawks-rams game to be their sunday night game, what a joke, i mean i know it’s for the division title, BUT IT’S THE NFC WEST! should we really be rewarding what is probably going to go down as statistically, the WORST division in NFL history???? not to mention that since matt hasselbeck is most likely OUT and that charlie whitehurst is being planned as the starter! well, since the bucs played the seahags last week, i gotta full dose of charlie whitehurst, and he doesn’t look good! i hope if anything happens this sunday, it’s the ugliest game in history, just so the NFL will think next time before putting NFC west teams on SNF, and maybe consider re-alignment. you’re really going to put seahawks-rams on SNF before you would put a bears-packers matchup? wow


      absolutely correct.

      whoo wee
      what’s up with that?
      what’s. UP. with THAT!?!

      nice game, Illini!

      • Jon, Montgomery

        what up with dat… what up with dat, i say now oooooooooooooweeee! what up with dat, WHAT UP WITH DAT


    • John K

      NBC had no choice in the matter…it was 100% the decision of the NFL.
      No way does NBC want to air that dog of a game.

      • Chet's Inflated Ego

        Why would the NFL want to showcase that dog?

      • Jon, Montgomery

        i still don’t know, hell i woulda chosen bucs-saints over the seahawks-rams game. whatever, i guess the NFL knows what they’re doing, as usual

      • Jon, Montgomery

        yes, i know

  • rodeovann

    Great blog Dan, dead on.


    damn refresh!

    Right on, everyone! Exactly!

    Denver, I try to remain ossamisty. Kane showed some moves Tuesday night, and Sharpe can wear the C for a while.
    I can’t figure out why that wasn’t a boarding call.
    Unfortunately, we are in a position where we have to see Detroit run the table against anyone but us.
    But, I can see some of these teams slowing down, just when the ‘hawks get healthy.

  • Chet's Inflated Ego

    ossamisty you are, indeedly-doo

    Some years are magic, like last year.
    This year I just have that sour feeling in my gut that this ain’t the year for a repeat.
    But you certainly were right that Kaner looked mighty healthy on Tuesday.

  • Jon, Montgomery


    wow, he’s healthy after just 3 weeks of recovery? oh, what a g.d surprise!!! yeah, i’m sure he’s looking 100% after 3 WEEKS of recovery! yeah, what KANER won’t tell us is that he probably could’ve been back 7-10 days after his injury, but when coach Q said “a few weeks”, well, KANER took his g.d sweet time, yeah, but i’m sure that was a nasty enough injury to keep you out for 3 WEEKS.

    hint: kane is a boozer (not carlos)

  • Chet's Inflated Ego

    Maybe Oney ought to make that the subject of his next tweet???

    • Jon, Montgomery


  • Mike Leahy

    Who cares?

    • Mike's Mom

      go to your room sweety!



    “cain is for carlos and delta is for ‘death . . .” This makes sense if you’ve read the Bourne Identity, which was, approximately, turned into a movie.
    The Bourne Supremacy movie is nothing like the book. If you were to turn in a book report based on what you saw in the movie, you’d get a lot of margin notes.

    Yeah, Kane is no “gladiator.”

  • Chet's Inflated Ego

    Pardon me, I have an awful head-cold today so I’m even more brain-dead than usual.
    To sound like a caller, I have a comment and then a question (I’ll hang up and listen to yoiur answer).
    The comment is that I have been getting tired of the “Chet’s Inflated Ego” name for months now. Few people recognize that I am making fun of Coppock because he has become so irrelevant that I might as well be making fun of steam locomotives.
    So I am thinking of changing my handle.
    Three candidates:
    1. Because my wife says I am useless: “Mike Quade’s Barber”.
    2. Classic TB prank: “George Ofman’s Big Black D!ldo”.
    3. “Larry Horse’s @ss”.

    What do you think?

    HAPPY NEW YEAR to everyone!!!!

    • Jon, Montgomery

      by the way, hope you feel better ;)

    • Jon, Montgomery

      well, number 2 & 3 will probably get censored, LOL.

      and i don’t really like the 1st one, so…. not sure what to tell ya chet!

    • Denver Smeghead

      I too have considered modifying the name, as I once sent in a WYC and Bernsie read it, but didn’t use my handle. I can only guess that they don’t think it’s fit for the airwaves.

  • Dan

    Oney needs to understand that when you question another man’s marriage status or personal life, there is a pretty good chance you’re going to get your ass kicked, and deservedly so.

    • Larry Horse's Arse.

      good comment Dan

      I am sure that Oney thinks he’ll never see Jenks again

  • Larry Horse's Arse.


    I think that LHA might get through if I use arse.

    I’m giving it a try right now.

    • Jon, Montgomery

      OMG hell yes with larry horse’s arse! it looks perfect i love it!

      we’ll have to get BTS’ stamp of approval to make it official though

      but as long ‘Larry Horse’s Arse’ doesn’t get censored, stick with that one chet :)

      • Larry Horse's Arse

        thank you good sir

        and a Happy New Year to you.

        I will be celebrating with Contac Cold & Flu AM and PM capsules!!!

  • George Ofman's Big Black D!ldo

    Let me test the other one.

  • Larry Horse's Arse

    I’m leaning toward this one.

    • Jon, Montgomery

      yeah, me too! plus terry says arse to censor himself, so it would only be fitting to censor ourselves for the blog!

      BTW, i’ve seen that roberta waker chick on those CBS news boards before, she’s a d0lt, don’t pay her any attention.

      love your new name buddy!

      • Larry Horse's Arse

        Yeah, it’s not her fault that she’s stupid…but she ought to know better than to post her stupidity for all the world to see.

  • bigtime sucker

    chet, know thyself, you are chet, be chet but i will approve larry horse as well, utlitmatly, your moniker should either a) make you chuckle or b) say something about who you are, if larry horse’s arse makes you chuckle, than use that one

  • bigtime sucker

    i have thoughts i will do them hopefully in rapid fire mode

    oney is a pudd who is not important. ohhhhhhhhh he twittered, who cares? what is a twitter than words on a screen, i will be much more interested when i read, oney guillen walks up to bobby jenks and says…………

    • bigtime sucker

      i knwo my thought there was tragically iironic since i am putting words on a screen as well

  • bigtime sucker

    bears: you will knwo the results of the atl-car game and no-tb game by MAXIMUM middle of the 1st quarter, if you have nothing to play for and play starters whole game and sustain major injuries, you have lots of questions to answer


      For all intents and purposes, this is a playoff game for the Packers.

      If they can blitz, they are going to.
      Cutler could run some pre-season warmup variation of the offense.

      I could see the Bears down by 14, or up by 14 at halftime. It’d be a good idea to run out the clock in the second half if that is the case.

    • Larry Horse's Arse


  • Larry Horse's Arse

    Oops, now it says my comment is awaiting moderation…so maybe LHA won’t get through.

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