Oh no! It’s officially the first day of Hanukkah and you haven’t gotten gifts for ANYONE. What do you do? Do you panic, run down to the nearest gas station, buy your entire family an assortment of beef jerky, lighters, Livestrong bracelets, packets of Doublemint Gum, free carwash punch cards, cans of Arnold Palmer, Zebra Cakes (no, scratch that, those suck, regular Hostess cupcakes, the chocolate ones with the swirls on top, no substitutes), a gas can, little flags with the Cubs symbol to hang out your car window, key-chain flashlights, pennies from the take-a-penny-leave-a-penny jar, many bags of Flaming Hot Cheetos, and anything else within arms-length of the register?
Or do you NOT go to the gas station and instead get your family something awesome. Don’t worry, we’ve already done half the work for you by writing a million articles on gift buying. They’re right here, on this page, under these words! Talk about convenient.
You can thank me later.
Best Gifts For Toddlers
Why do people keep having children? Seriously? I’m not joking? What’s the deal here? Is it just to make me—I mean, you—feel inadequate about my—I mean your—inability to find someone who can stand me—I mean you, dammit—long enough to get to the point of reproduction?
YOUR inadequacy issues aside, there are toddlers in the world, and you might need to buy some of them gifts. For good, wholesome and safe suggestions, check out our Best Gifts For Toddlers guide!
Gift Guide For The Creative Type
Are you dreading that moment you run into your cousin at a family gathering? You know, the cousin who goes to art school. The one who you know, you just know, is going to intimately explain the ins and outs of the Occupy movement to you, and whether you sympathize with the movement or not, your cousin’s rhetoric will make you want to spike the matzo ball soup.
Well maybe, just maybe, if you get your artsy-fartsy loser of a family member something decent they’ll lay the heck off this year. This is why we made our Gift Guide For The Creative Type. I sincerely hope it helps.
Gift Guide For The Technophile
No, this isn’t for the techno enthusiasts out there. This is for those who like technology. Yeah, I know, I got excited about a list with a KMFDM album on it too.
Apparently this Internet thing has taken off though. It’s on phones and in the video games and all sorts of places. Personally, I think it’s just a fad, but try telling that to the technophiles out there.
For those of us related to the technologically obsessed, we made this: Gift Guide For The Technophile.
Gift Guide For The Adventurer
Your brother’s a real world traveler. Last year he was in South America. The year before that he toured Eastern Europe. Heck, he’s even been to Canada. The French parts! Even though you hate him for being able to go to so many places while you sit at home in your lonely apartment refusing to leave Chicago, you still have to give him something.
So maybe you should get him a gift that suits his ramblin’ ways. Check out our Gift Guide For The Adventurer article for ideas.
All The Other Losers
Need to get a gift for someone who isn’t an adventurous, technology lovin’, travelin’, art-school-attendin’ toddler? Don’t worry, we still got your back. Read our Must Have Gifts For 2011 article to find out exactly which gifts are the best gifts, no matter who you are.
There you have it! If that’s not enough, if you’re just jonesin’ for even more holiday cheer, then by all means, take a look at our holiday page. It’s got articles that cover every aspect of the holiday season, so enjoy, ya weirdo.
Mason Johnson, CBS Chicago